Many people, myself included, ignore red flags during a relationship with a narcissist. Our gut feelings tell us something’s wrong. Yet we don’t act on them. Why?
From my discussions with others, this seems pretty common. Here’s my thoughts on why people ignore red flags with narcissists…
Please Check Out This Short Video To Aid Your Understanding…
Fall For Their False Persona
Perhaps the biggest reason for ignoring red flags is because you fall for their false persona. At the beginning of a relationship, narcissists play their “A Game”. And present themselves as your ideal partner. They fake being nice, kind, considerate, and all the other qualities you look for. This is also known as “love bombing”.
They can keep this act up for months, sometimes years. And some are very good at it, as they’ve had a life time of practice.
Naturally you fall for this persona. And once you’re in love, your emotions are engaged. Which hinders your rational thinking.
You believe they love you as much as you love them. And you’ll be together forever. Any red flags you feel are often pushed aside, because you don’t want to jeopardise this “perfect” relationship.
Make Excuses For Them
And because you love and trust them, when they act narcissistic it’s difficult to process. Why did they suddenly act so “out of character”?
When you believe their false self is who they are, their narcissistic behaviour needs explanation. And if you look hard enough, you can always find an excuse for them.
They’ve been under a lot of pressure lately. Maybe it’s something I’ve done. Perhaps they’re having a bad day. Etc. These excuses preserve the false “nice” persona of the narcissist. So you carry on believing their nice self is their real self. And their narcissistic side is merely a blip.
Narcissists Talk A Good Game
Narcissists usually know how to talk like a morally upstanding person. They may comment on how shameful cheating is. Or how people should think of others before themselves. Naturally you listen to them, and believe they possess these morals.
This rhetoric acts as cover for their actions. They talk the talk, but don’t walk the walk.
You may notice their actions don’t always match their words. But because they’re passionate about their morals, you doubt your own judgement. Maybe I’m being too harsh?
They Learn How Far To Push You
More sophisticated narcissists know they can’t push you too much. They’re aware this may cause you to leave. So they learn how much you’ll put up with. And mostly keep it to that level.
If they sense they’ve pushed things too far, they may back off for a while. And go back to their “A Game” and treat you nice for a while. Leaving you thinking their bad treatment was just a blip. No one’s perfect right?
Narcissists continue with this “push and pull” of treating you just well enough to keep you from leaving.
You Blame Yourself
Narcissists usually pick self reflective and conscientious people as partners and friends. And there’s good reason for this.
These types of people take a long look at themselves when there’s a problem. And look at what they did wrong. And since no one is perfect, you’ll find something “wrong” you’ve done or not done.
This causes you to blame yourself, rather than the narcissist. And the narcissist lets you do this. They may also use subtle and not so subtle ways to make everything seem like your fault. Narcissists are notorious for not accepting the blame.
You Think You’re Paranoid
When I didn’t know about narcissism, my gut feelings seemed too far fetched to take seriously. Who would pretend to love you, move in with you, and marry you, just to use you? Who could live a lie like that? In my mind, that was the stuff of fiction.
Although I suspected a lot of things, I put them down to me being paranoid. People don’t really act like that, do they? Now I know they do!
We often judge people by our own standards. And assume they possess similar values and empathy as ourselves. So when our gut is telling us someone is acting far away from our own standards, it’s difficult to accept.
Narcissists Demonise Threats
If a narcissist thinks that someone you trust is on to them, they may demonise them. The narcissist finds a fault they have and exaggerates it, and talks about it often. Since you spend a lot of time with the narcissist, it’s easy to be drawn in by the repetition.
Most narcissists are highly skilled at making others seem untrustworthy. And often divide families and break other peoples’ friendships.
Once the narcissist has you distrusting someone, it’s less likely you’ll heed their warnings. And this was the narcissists plan all along.
Narcissists may also talk about how partners should back each other in the face of adversity. Be there for one another. Which on the surface seems like a noble pledge. But really it means you should believe them over everybody else, no matter what.
Chip Away At Your Self Esteem
Narcissists develop many ways to chip away at your self esteem. They know that someone lacking in confidence is more likely to put up with their narcissistic behaviours.
A favourite of narcissists is to employ subtle digs and name calling. They often use sly digs, dressed up as jokes. And if you object, they tell you’re being too sensitive. Over time these subtle digs become nastier and more frequent.
Months and years of these put downs leave you feeling worthless. Like you deserve being treated the way they treat you. So even if you do spot the red flags, you don’t feel willing or able to act on them.
You’ve Invested So Much
As I’ve mentioned earlier, narcissists usually act nice at first. It’s only after some time they act more narcissistic. At this point you’ve invested a lot in them.
You’ve built up what you thought was a trusting and mutually beneficial relationship. You’ve listened to their problems. Perhaps moved in together or got married. You’ve learned what makes them tick. Got to know their family. And spent an enormous amount of time with them. This isn’t easy to give up. Especially in the absence of any real evidence.
Narcissists play all their tricks to keep you from definitively knowing what they’re really like. You suspect. But are you going to throw it all away for a nagging suspicion? It’s very difficult to do.
You Don’t Want To Admit You’ve Been Fooled
It’s incredibly difficult to admit you’ve been played for months or years. Listening to your gut is an admission you’ve been played. And this is difficult to accept.
You thought you’d met your soul mate, who’ll stay by your side for life. But really it was an act. And knowing this hurts like hell.
Many people naturally avoid this pain. So they ignore the red flags. And carry on in desperate hope the narcissist proves their gut feelings wrong. But unfortunately this never happens.
Final Thoughts
Don’t beat yourself up for ignoring the red flags. Narcissists spend a life time plotting how to manipulate people. Whilst neuro-typicals don’t. So they hold the advantage.
You wanted love, as most people do. And you understood that you need to trust to achieve this. Unfortunately they took advantage of this. It’s them at fault, not you.
Use it as a learning experience. And learn as much as you can about narcissists and their patterns of behaviour. They’re pretty predictable.
There’s lots of information freely available on this blog. The more you learn, the less likely you’ll be caught out again.
Whilst you can’t change the past, you CAN influence your future. And prevent the same thing happening again. You can bounce back, stronger than ever. Learn, grow, and move on.
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