People who’ve never experienced a narcissist relationship often ask why you didn’t leave them. And whilst it’s annoying, it’s understandable.
It’s difficult to explain what narcissist relationships are like, to someone who’s never experienced one. And because of their lack of experience, they naturally think in terms of dealing with neuro-typicals. But narcissists are far from that.
Narcissists deliberately make it difficult to leave them. Because once you’re locked in, they can get away with treating you worse. And the more tied in you are, the worse than can treat you. Whilst still keeping you around, serving them.
If someone questions why you didn’t leave the narcissist, then send them here! In this article I’ll explain the main reasons why people stay with narcissists…
Please Watch The Following Short Video To Help Your Understanding…
They Make You Financially Dependant On Them
Narcissists find ways to make their partners financially dependant on them. Just to make it as difficult as possible to leave.
They may persuade you to quit your job, selling it as wanting to provide for you. Spend your savings or investments. And even give away or sell your possessions.
With just the shirt on your back, it’s difficult to leave them. Because the reality of today’s world is that you need cash to survive. And this difficulty is compounded if you’re isolated, with little help…
They Isolated You
Narcissists often isolate their partners. Because someone isolated is more dependant on them. And someone dependant is less likely to leave.
The narcissist may cause arguments with your family and friends. Or with you, when you plan to see them. The narcissist may even physically move location, to where you don’t know anyone.
Once you’re isolated, it’s more difficult to leave. As you have no one to confide in. And no one to discuss whether leaving is the right thing. And to top it off, you already feel lonely WITH the narcissist, because they’re so self absorbed. So imagine how you’ll feel without them?
They Damage Your Self Esteem
Narcissists find ways to knock their partners self esteem. They may engage in put downs they claim are jokes. Or treat you in a way that shows how little they regard you.
Years of this takes its toll. And after a while you may believe that no one else would find you attractive. Or that you’re even capable of living without them.
Robbed of their self esteem, many people accept their fate. And stay with the narcissist. Even though they don’t really want to, and they could actually do much better.
Trauma Bond
Narcissists often keep their partners around by trauma bonding them. Here’s how it works…
During a narcissist relationship, narcissists aim to treat you as badly as they can get away with, but without you leaving. So they often blow hot and cold to achieve this.
The narcissist gradually treats you worse, to see where your breaking point is. Then when they sense they’ve pushed you too far, their retreat into “nice mode” for a while. To stop you leaving.
These “nice” times can feel like paradise. Even though they’re just treating you like a normal human being. But because you’ve experienced their cold and cruel ways, even modest treatment feels great.
Sadly, this “nice” treatment is just a means to an end. And once the narcissists feels you’re reeled back in, they gradually roll out their narcissistic behaviours. And the cycle continues.
After a while, some people get addicted to these highs and lows. Because they release stress hormones into the body. And they crave those fleeting moments of kindness. Which some people mistake for feelings of deep love.
Blame Shifting
Narcissists are masters at making things they do wrong, seem like your fault. They twist words and past events, to paint themselves as the poor victim. And you as the perpetrator.
Conscientious people take this blame shifting on board. Because they don’t want to harm others, and they’re always looking to improve themselves.
Many are left believing they’re at least partly responsible for the relationship problems. So they knuckle down, and try to make things work. Even though the narcissist is causing all the problems. And there’s no real hope of a healthy relationship.
Children
Narcissists often initiate having children. But sadly it’s not because they want to hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet. It’s because they want to lock you in.
Narcissists know you’re less likely to leave if you share children with them. They understand you’re empathetic, and will think of the children before you think of yourself. So you may stay for the sake of them. Regardless of how they treat you.
But even if you leave, it’s not over. The narcissist knows they’re legally entitled to see their children. So they can gain access to you, by demanding to see them. And sadly they have this right for many years to come.
Knowing this, and the fuss the narcissist will inevitably kick up, many decide to stay. Because they figure they’re damned if they do, and damned if they don’t.
Final Thoughts
Don’t be too hard on someone who stays with a narcissist. It’s likely the narcissist is using multiple tactics to make leaving difficult. Remember, you never really know what’s going on behind closed doors.
Narcissists often present a public façade that’s kind, caring, and generous. But at home they’re mean, cold, and uncaring.
Many people find it difficult to believe what the narcissist is really like. So they assume the complaints are normal relationship problems. But with narcissists, things are anything but normal.
It’s easy to say, “just leave them”. But when you’re in the thick of it, it’s not always that simple. Especially if things are made difficult, both physically, and psychologically.
If you, or someone you know, is struggling to leave a narcissist, please check out the following article…
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