I’ve been unfortunate enough to have witnessed many narcissistic rages, and they’re not pretty! I’ve been attacked physically and verbally. My beloved Ovation guitar smashed right in front of my eyes. And a glass lamp (still switched on) swung at my head. Over what seemed like nothing.

But what seems like nothing to you or I, can be a HUGE deal for a narcissist. They think differently. So if you want to avoid triggering a narcissistic rage, then it’s good to learn what sets them off. There’s many ways of saying or doing things differently that reduces the chances of being on the receiving end of a narcissistic rage.

This isn’t about lying down and letting the narcissist get away with everything. It’s about being smart when you’re dealing with them.

If you learn what triggers a narcissistic rage, then you can better avoid them. This keeps you safe, and reduces the toxic conflict in your life. Particularly if you have no choice but to spend time with them.

So here’s a run down of the things that may spark a narcissistic rage…

Please Check Out This Short Video To Aid Your Understanding…

Criticism

Narcissists don’t like being criticised. Even when it’s constructive. That’s because narcissists have delusions of superiority, and perfection. And they cling on to their delusions as tightly as they can. Their fragile sense of self worth often depends on it.

Anyone criticising them threatens to shatter their delusions. And this can result in over-the-top angry rages. But what if you need to give them some constructive criticism? Do you simply not bother?

The best way is to find a compliment within the criticism. And if you look hard enough, you can always find one. For example, suppose your narcissist spouse is being impatient with your child. And is pushing them too hard. Telling the narcissist they’re being a horrible bad parent could spark a narcissistic rage.

But if you say something like, “I know you like to get things done, but not everyone has your ability/stamina/skills etc.” This is likely to go down much better. Here you’re telling them that they’re so brilliant and capable that it’s easy for them to forget how mere mortals operate. Well, at least in their mind that’s what you’re saying.

Whilst this may require a touch of creative license, it gets their attention. And they may actually listen and change their behaviour. With practice you can become skilled at delivering criticism in a way that compliments the narcissist. And helps them listen and change their ways.

When They Feel Ignored

Narcissists feel they’re the centre of the universe. And when they’re ignored, they don’t like it one bit. Narcissists have such a fragile self esteem, that things that seem ordinary to you and I, may seem like a huge insult to them.

Never mind forgetting their birthday. If you forget that they usually do their laundry on a Thursday morning, then they might feel insulted and ignored. Narcissists firmly believe they should be in everybody’s thoughts as much as they’re in their own. Which accounts for a lot of their attention seeking behaviours.

I find it helpful to listen and remember as much as I can about them. They notice EVERYTHING you forget. It also helps to subtly drop in things you’ve remembered, just to show them they’re not being ignored. Narcissists need more reassurances than the average person. For example, if they spill something down their shirt, you could say, “Ah it’ll be OK, you’re doing your laundry tomorrow anyway aren’t you?”

It’s important to casually drop these observations into conversation, and not make a big deal. A narcissist can smell when they’re being played. So don’t be too obvious.

When They’re Caught Out

When a narcissist is caught red handed doing something wrong, then they might rage. This can be particularly confusing when you don’t understand how they think. How can they be raging at me, when they’re the ones in the wrong? There’s a couple of reasons why they do this…

Narcissists find it difficult to admit they’ve done anything wrong. Remember, they like to think they’re perfect. Catching them red handed gives them a massive jolt. In their mind they NEVER do anything wrong. Yet you caught them. This causes confusion and frustration, which can spill out into rage. Probably directed at you. Something MUST be wrong somewhere, they may think. It’s not my fault, so who’s is it? Which leads to my next point…

The narcissist may also rage to create a smoke screen. When they’ve done something wrong, they might turn the tables and blame you. They may bring up things totally unrelated as a reason why they did this thing. And rage so hard that you end up feeling it’s you who’s done them wrong. This is also known as blame shifting.

The bottom line is they switch things round and blame you for something. And often blame you for driving them to do what they did. That way you end up defending yourself, and forget about what they’ve done. And the narcissist is off the hook.

If you’re in this situation then you must remain calm. And stick to your original point. The narcissist will try many different tactics to throw you off your original point. Because if they deep down know they’re in the wrong, they want to avoid it. If the rage doesn’t work, then they might try tears, or goad you about something they know you’re sensitive about.

Being Told What To Do

Narcissists like to feel in control. And they hate being told what to do. If they feel you’re trying to control them, then they might burst into a narcissistic rage.

It doesn’t matter that the narcissist may try to control you or others. They shamelessly apply a different set of rules to themselves. Narcissists believe they’re special and deserve better treatment than everybody else.

Often the way you word things makes a huge difference to a narcissist. For example, saying “You HAVE to wear a mask if you want to come in here” can be met with rage. The narcissist may think “Who are you to tell me what to do? I don’t HAVE to do anything you tell me to do. And I don’t want to come in here anyway.”

Narcissists are usually more compliant if you ASK them, and give them the feeling of control, “Are you OK wearing a mask in here? We want to protect you and others from catching the virus.” Not only are you asking them, you’re also giving them the respect of explaining why. And in this example it also explains a benefit to the narcissist.

To Get What They Want

If a narcissist senses you’re easily intimidated, then they might rage at you to get what they want. This can be a particular problem with gentler people, because most narcissists WILL try to intimidate you if they feel they can get away with it.

Narcissists instinctively size people up when they first meet them. And if they think you’re a soft touch, then they’re more likely to rage at you to get what they want. If it’s a tactic that works, then the narcissist is likely to find it and exploit it.

Learning to be more assertive can help reduce the chances of them trying to intimidate you to get what they want. They won’t smell “victim” on you any more. And may leave you alone.

Final Thoughts

Narcissists are HIGHLY sensitive people. And although they may be insensitive to you, they expect impossibly high levels of understanding from everyone else.

A narcissist’s lack of empathy makes it difficult for them to see things from your perspective. Which causes them to be blatantly hypocritical at times.

Rightly or wrongly, it’s up to you to be the bigger person, because the narcissist is not really capable. Narcissists have incredibly fragile egos. And they can be triggered by something that seems trivial to the rest of us.

If you want to avoid a narcissistic rage, then you must rise above and treat them with kid gloves. And find ways not to shatter their fragile ego’s. Although it may not seem fair, it will save you a lot of distress in the long run.

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