Narcissists are notorious for refusing to take no for an answer. So if you know someone with this trait, then they probably have narcissistic leanings – at the very least.
Narcissists often pester, plead, beg and cajole, until they get their way. And if they’re malevolent, then they may also bully and intimidate. Particularly at people they consider weaker prey.
Narcissists have a way of asking for things which makes it difficult to say no. They may say something like, “Right we’ll go for lunch. I’ll pick you up at 12”. As if your compliance is a forgone conclusion. And it can feel awkward putting a spanner in the works by saying no. And if you do, they pile on the pressure.
There’s several reasons why narcissists don’t take no for an answer. Some are obvious, and some are more subtle. And they reveal what’s going on in their heads.
The more you learn about narcissists, the better you can recognise and deal with them. So let’s discuss why narcissists don’t take no for an answer…
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Pre Written Script
Narcissists often approach situations with predetermined plans of what’s going to happen. Despite it involving other humans beings, who have their own ideas.
Saying no tears up their pre-written script and stomps it into the ground. Causing them confusion and distress. Because many narcissists don’t like the uncertainty of their carefully made plans destroyed in front of their eyes.
Narcissists have a picture in their mind of what’s going to happen, and they expect it to materialise. So saying no may be met with hostility. Because in their world, you’ve ruined their plans by not agreeing to them.
They’re Self Absorbed
Narcissists feel the world revolves around them. And if they want something, then they’re entitled to it. Regardless of whether they deserve it, and how it impacts others. The word “no” is an obstacle that needs overcoming. And not something that should be respected.
Narcissists don’t understand that people have their own wants and needs. As they only see things from their own blinkered view. So when they want something, they expect it.
Saying no is perceived as being obstructive. Rather than exercising your right to free will. So in the eyes of the narcissist, it makes YOU the bad guy.
They Don’t Care About Your Needs
Narcissists are so self absorbed that they don’t care about your needs. They might not wish you any harm. It’s just that your needs aren’t detected on their radar.
Narcissists focus almost solely on themselves. And this blinds them from the needs of others. But they may temporarily “care” if it gets them what they want. Which is why they may do you a good deed, then expect something in return.
A narcissists “care” is a means to an end. It uses your empathy against you. Because most narcissists understand that if they do a good turn, then you feel obliged to say yes to their next request.
See People As Objects
Narcissists don’t see others as independent people with their own wants, needs, dreams and desires. They see people as objects – commodities to be used.
If you have a toaster, then you expect it to heat bread when you flick a switch. The toaster doesn’t say no. It doesn’t have other plans. Or is tired and in need of rest. It does as it’s told. Or else what’s the point in keeping it?
In much the same way, narcissists don’t expect you to say no. They expect you to do as you’re told. And if you don’t, then you’re a faulty good. And you may as well be thrown out with the rest of the trash.
They Want To Be In Charge
Narcissists are control freaks. And expect to be in charge. A “no” questions their authority. So they might stand firm to your “challenge”. Even if it’s over something trivial. Just to show you who’s boss.
In their mind, they can’t open the floodgates and give you equal footing. Because then they’d lose control. And narcissists are all about control. So things can get petty.
A narcissist might offer you a snack, which you politely decline. And instead of accepting your decision, they doggedly insist you eat it. Just to prove a point.
Eventually you give in, because you want a peaceful life. And it’s only a snack at the end of the day. But the narcissist secretly smiles to themselves over their “win”.
The outcome isn’t directly beneficial to them. But it’s a symbolic win, which asserts their authority.
Conditions You To Back Down
Not taking no for an answer gets you used to not getting your way. And conditions you to back down.
After months of consistently fighting and losing, it’s easy to give up. And just say yes, because it’s not worth the hassle. And that’s what they want.
The narcissist aims to break you down. And get you accustomed to saying yes, when you want to say no. Because this gives them power. And that’s what they want.
To Cause Drama
Narcissists get bored easily. And whilst most of us yearn for peace and harmony, narcissists tire of it. And sometimes look for a fight, to spice things up.
Not taking no for an answer is sometimes used to provoke and frustrate. Because they know they’ll gain a reaction if they’re pushy enough. Especially if you’ve reacted in the past.
Narcissists love poking and prodding to gain a reaction, because it gives them a sense of power. They pulled the strings and made you dance to their tune. So they may reject your no, just to wind you up and cause an argument.
Competition
Narcissists are competitive and need to “win” to prove their delusions of superiority. So when you say no, it may get their competitive juices flowing.
Narcissists sometimes see yes-no situations as a competition they MUST win. So they go all out for victory. Because their superiority is on the line.
In this case, the narcissist may lose sight of what they’re arguing about. Because they’re more concerned about winning. The chase is sometimes worth more than the prize.
Final Thoughts
Narcissists are controlling, believe they’re superior, and feel entitled to rule the roost. And they must win. But the word “no” brings their fantasy world crashing down to Earth. And can feel like a slap in the face. Which is why they’re so resistant to it.
The word “no” is the narcissists Kryptonite – their least favourite word. It makes them feel weaker. And they believe it gives you strength. And they can’t have that.
The word “no” also places a barrier between them and what they want. And it reminds them that they’re not the super hero they think they are. So they fight hard to turn your no into a yes. Because the survival of their “superior” false self depends on it.
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Yes, I’ve discovered that when someone who asks to borrow something, or to do something for them, their reaction if I said “No”, their reaction is telling. If they keep pushing, become passive-aggressive or throw a full-on temper tantrum, I know that’s the kind of person I’d be better off without.
And I remember realizing that one person who actually boasted about never taking “No” for an answer, it was a clue that she just wasn’t right. It seemed as if she was trying to portray herself as cool and edgy.
In my early years, my youngest aunt was struggling with her weight. We were having pikelets for afternoon tea and she tried to insist that I have another one. They were big pikelets and I’d already felt satiated after just one. I was just 12. When I declined for the third time, she said remarked that I was stronger than her for stopping at one, even though it doesn’t take any will power to stop eating when you’ve had enough. She’s definitely not a narcissist. I think she felt that if I’d joined her for another snack, I’d be giving her the validation she wanted (that it would be okay to have another snack).
It goes to show that it’s all too easy for NTs to stoop to narcissist behavior sometimes. Because that’s what narcissists crave, deep down; validation.
Yes, they clearly don’t care about your needs and wants if they don’t take no for an answer. And who wants someone who doesn’t care about them in their life?
Yes, neuro-typicals can display what is considered narcissistic behaviour, because our levels of empathy can vary throughout our lives. And even throughout the day, depending on what’s happening. Plus the motivations are sometimes different. A narcissist would insist you ate the snack just to flex their muscles of control over you. Whereas, like you point out, the same act could be because they struggle with their own food issues.
Unfortunately there are a lot of people who don’t really care. That’s when you need to enforce your boundaries.
I’ve learned that my introversion can be a strength but also a weakness against those horrible narcissists. Emotional eating only makes you feel better for a short time. But I’m protected and loved by the The Mighty Bull Arab.