As you’re probably aware, narcissists are transactional in their relationships. And don’t have friends and lovers for the sake of it. There’s always something specific to be gained. Sometimes several things.
Narcissists often designate different roles to different people in their life. To help them with various things in their life. And sometimes they’re not afraid to fit a round peg in a square hole, and expect someone to be something they’re not. Just to help them with a particular want or need.
If you’re friends with a narcissist, then it’s likely you have a designated role or two. And they expect you to deliver. Even if this hasn’t been discussed with you. And you haven’t agreed to it.
This can work out OK if you’re willing and able to deliver. But if you’re not, then it can be the cause of great stress and anxiety. Because the narcissist will continuously pressure you to do things you don’t want to do.
Here’s some of the roles that narcissists designate to friends, lovers, family, co-workers etc…
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Admirer
Narcissists need almost constant admiration to prop up their shaky self esteem. So they usually look to their lovers to provide this admiration. But they may also seek it from others.
Narcissists expect copious amounts of compliments and adoration from their partners. And see sex as a form of worship, rather than a show of mutual affection. But in long term relationships, the compliments inevitably dry up. And the fuel becomes stale.
This is why many narcissists flirt with others whilst in relationships. Because fresh sources of admiration are considered more valuable. Because they’ve already “conquered” their current partner.
This drives many narcissists to form harems of admirers, that may technically be friends. But they know some attraction exists. And they play on it to get things they want. And use them to triangulate with their partners, to make them jealous.
Some narcissists take it further and engage in full blown affairs. Just to feed their need for admiration. It may seem strange, but it’s usually the admiration they seek, rather than the sex.
Friends may also be used to provide admiration. Many narcissists like to surround themselves with friends who are less good looking, less successful, or less “cool” than themselves. And they do it to be the top dog. And have these people look up to and admire them.
Entertainer
In a similar vein, narcissists need almost constant attention. And they like people who are available at the drop of a hat.
Narcissists often cultivate one-sided friendships, where they call round unannounced, and expect them to drop everything. But never return the favour when their friend needs them.
Narcissists like to have somewhere to go when they’re bored or want attention. It makes them feel special, and it feeds their need for almost constant attention.
So a flexible friend who gives them attention on demand is a must. Providing they don’t demand the same in return.
Counsellor
If you’re a qualified counsellor then great. But even if you’re not, you may still be designated the narcissists unofficial counsellor. And be expected to listen to ALL their problems.
It doesn’t matter whether you have problems of your own. Or if your problems are bigger than theirs (they’re not!). You’re expected to sit quietly and listen to their most minor complaints. Without uttering a word about your own trivial issues.
Cash Machine
Most narcissists are reckless with their cash. And spend most of their months wages in the first week. So they need people to bale them out with loans and gifts.
Some narcissists borrow every single month. And create such a dependency, that their designated cash machine feels financially responsible for them.
Narcissists cash machines are often family members, particularly parents. But they may also include friends and co-workers. It’s a given that their primary partner helps them out financially.
Chaperone
Most narcissists don’t like going to events by themselves. So they need someone who’s easy going, and will tag along, wherever they want to go.
The narcissist doesn’t care whether this person is interested in the concert they want to go to. Or the movie they want to see. They pressure, beg and cajole them to come. But again, they don’t return the favour when the other person wants accompaniment.
Housekeeper / Cleaner
Most narcissists feel too important to bother with the trivialities of keeping a house clean, tidy and organised. So this usually falls to their long suffering partners. But if they’re single, then they might seek help from friends or family.
Narcissists don’t normally ask for help directly. They hope that empathetic people see the state they live in, and offer to help. And to fudge things along, they may drop subtle hints, and play the victim.
The narcissist knows that when someone helps them once, they feel involved. So they don’t need to stay on top of the cleaning once it’s done for them. Because they know that person is likely to help again in the future.
Final Thoughts
These are the main things narcissists want helpers for. But there’s many other things narcissists outsource to their long suffering associates. They may need a designated babysitter, chauffeur, or general dogsbody. So they work out who’s easiest to rope into which role.
Narcissists determine what manipulation tactic works best with each individual. Some people respond better to guilt trips. Whereas others respond better to intimidation and pressure. Once the narcissist discovers which tactic works best for that person, they make a mental note. Then they rinse and repeat.
If you have a narcissist in your life, then it’s likely that you have a designated a role or two to help them with. And they probably know which buttons to press to make sure you do them.
If you’re OK with this, then fine. But sometimes they designate roles that people are unhappy with. Or that are a terrible fit. Especially if they don’t have many other options.
Just remember, you don’t owe it to anyone to be someone you’re not. And if accompanying them to a loud raucous nightclub isn’t you, then you don’t have to do it.
If they don’t accept that it’s not your thing, then they clearly don’t have your interests at heart. And you must seriously question your friendship or relationship. Because anyone worth their salt would NEVER want you to do something you don’t want to do. Especially for their own selfish reasons.
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I know someone who gives five hour monologues and most of it is sheer nonsense that they should know that no one would ever have any interest in. But to the motor mouths, it doesn’t matter. They want to talk as fast as a machine gun non stop, and how dare you if you try to speak. They will talk right over you.
I had to block them.
And no pauses, with one story running straight into another!
I’ve also checked Dan McGrath’s blog, “The Adventures of Dan and Tina”. Some of the articles made me angry. Some made me sad. And some made shake my head in amazement.
The latter included Tina’s harem of men who slept with her when she was still with with Dan, not to mention her supposedly platonic friend Nate. I couldn’t stop laughing whenever I read an article featuring him, because he was the only one in Tina’s harem who Dan seemed to think, “What was she thinking??!!”. The one who Dan specifically described as “the decidedly unattractive Nate” and spoke about how ineptly he danced. I even had a mental image about him dancing, though I haven’t even laid eyes on him. When I made a mental imaging about the other men she slept with, such as Doug, Scott, Cassidy, Chris…did I leave anyone out?…I always think of them as looking evil and sinister but Nate comes to mind as a ridiculous figure.
But your post reminded me that a narcissist will get their grubby mitts on anyone who might be deemed supply. Not all of their supplies get to sleep with them. Though Dan was prime supply because he looked after her, driving her around and giving her money, he had to be put down quite a lot because he was more successful in life and that fact alone would have given her a many a narcissist injury. I gather that Nate got lucky with Tina because she needed him to be her admirer and shower her with attention. He, in turn, would have have been amazed at his luck to be with her. I wonder how that’s going to last!
Yes, some narcissists go for people who are way less attractive than themselves. They do this because they’re easier to control. The narcissist reasons that they won’t be able to find someone as attractive as themselves, so it’s easier to keep them around doing things for them.
Even though my partner is the worst back-seat driver, I wouldn’t want to be with someone who’s easy to control. It would soon become monotonous. Uh-oh, my dog probably thinks I’m easy to control!!