If you’ve been close to a narcissist, then you’re probably familiar with their random accusations. You may be relaxed, munching on a slice of toast, then suddenly they accuse you of having an affair. Or never having time for them. Or having mental health issues.
These accusations are often out the blue. And have no rhyme or reason.
You could be relaxing watching TV and BANG, you’re accused of not caring about them. Even though you do loads for them. What’s going on?
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Control
Narcissists doll out random accusations when they sense a loss of control. If you’re close to the narcissist, then they expect to have control over you ALL the time. And what’s no big deal to you, may be a BIG deal to a narcissist.
You may be quietly leafing through a book, and the narcissist suddenly rages. Accusing you of being uncaring. And not considering their needs.
This is shocking, because it’s unprovoked and makes little sense. Yet they seem so sure and so enraged. This usually causes confusion and a roller-coaster of emotions. Pushing you firmly on the back foot, defending your very existence.
The narcissist may have decided they’re losing control over you because you’re reading, instead of focussing on them. And in that moment they snap. They may accuse you of always reading, and never having time for them. Even though this is the first chance in weeks you’ve had to read.
Narcissists live in the moment. And NOW they don’t have control over you. So they explode, and create a reason for doing so. Even if it makes no sense. But by hook or by crook, the narcissist usually gets their way.
You may shake your head in confused disbelief. Carefully explain, plead, or even explode back at them. But the narcissist has already “won”. You’ve put your book down and given them your undivided attention. Mission accomplished.
In another example, you may decide you’re going out with your friends. So the narcissist accuses you of having an affair. Angrily demanding to know who you’re REALLY meeting.
After an emotional too and fro, you phone your friends to cancel. It’s not worth the hassle. And it might prove to the narcissist you’re not cheating. Except… they didn’t actually think you were cheating.
The narcissist didn’t want reassurance of faithfulness. They wanted to re-established control over you. And you’re now at home with them, instead of out with your friends.
Attention
In their minds, narcissists are the centre of the universe. And feel they should be the centre of yours too. Narcissists feel you should be focussing on them pretty much all the time. So they use random accusations to gain your attention.
You may be tired after a long day, quietly watching TV. Although you’re in the same room as the narcissist, this isn’t enough.
The narcissist decides to pick a fight, accusing you of whatever enters their mind. It doesn’t matter what it is, as long as it gets a reaction. You then engage in a 3 hour argument until you reach the point of exhaustion.
Narcissists are like troublesome toddlers. If they can’t have positive attention, they settle for negative.
Your 3 hour argument gave them 3 hours of undivided attention. You might have shouted and sworn at them, and told them some home truths. This doesn’t matter a jot. In fact it plays into their hands. They got 3 hours of your undivided attention.
Smokescreen
Narcissists also throw out random accusations as smokescreens for their own behaviours. Two common examples are accusing YOU of being a narcissist. And accusing you of an affair.
Even with little evidence to back up their accusations, it’s difficult to dismiss them. Especially when they seem so upset. And a small part of you wonders whether you are a narcissist. Or whether you’ve been distant recently, making them think you’re cheating. Do they have a point? Hmm.
By soul searching, you spend a great deal of time looking inward. At the expense of looking outwards at the narcissists behaviours.
You don’t notice their narcissistic behaviours so much, because you’re so preoccupied with your own. Their random accusations have got your mind working overtime on the wrong things. Allowing them to hide in plain sight.
Black And White Thinking
Narcissists have black and white thinking when it comes to people. They’re either “all good” or “all bad”. And this can change in a heartbeat.
You may have cooked a meal for the narcissist, and are painted white. The narcissist thinks you’re all good. Then your phone rings, so you answer. The narcissist gets frustrated that you’re paying someone else attention, and in that moment you’re now painted black.
The narcissist sees you as all bad. Regardless of the meal you just cooked them. And all the things you’ve done for them in the past. That’s ALL out the window. They live in the moment, and NOW you’re painted black.
The narcissists HATES you in this moment. And may unleash a huge volley of abuse, accusing you of whatever enters their mind. Because right now, you’re the most vile creature to walk the face of the Earth.
A neuro-typical understands that people have good and bad in them. And even when they’re angry with someone, they still love them. And know they’re not all bad. Whilst the narcissist flits from one extreme to the other. And can literally hate a loved one for a minor transgression. Causing a variety of outrageous accusations that appear unprovoked.
Final Thoughts
Random accusations are another tool narcissists use for gaining control and attention. They’re also launched as smokescreens for their behaviours. Taking the spotlight from their behaviours. And if you’re painted black, they’re so angry they don’t know what they’re saying.
Narcissists live in the moment, which is why their accusations don’t always make sense. The narcissist isn’t trying to resolve their accusations through calm and rational discussions. In fact they don’t want a resolution. Because without one, they’ve got something on you.
Their random accusations are merely words spurted out to gain a desired outcome. And it’s usually for control, attention, or to deflect from their wrongdoings.
The accusations not making sense usually work better for narcissists. They’re more confusing, and more difficult to resolve. Because there’s no logic to get hold of. And the narcissist can wind their victims up with circular arguments and word salad. Creating more frustration and confusion. Feeding their lust for power and attention.
So now you know, you’re not going crazy! Narcissists don’t let reality get in the way of what they want. They change reality to suit their immediate needs. And they try their damnedest to drag you into their deluded world. Ignore their random accusations, and don’t let them shape your reality.
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This is a great article. Thank you. I understand the grinding one into the ground you just give up then they have one. The accusation came because the Bath mat has fallen off the bath, I hadn’t noticed as I was exhausted from an earlier controlling episode. He accused me of knocking it off the bath just to annoy him. I had no clue what he was talking about, he then accused me of doing it on purpose and I was faking not admitting to it. He wouldn’t say sorry for wrongly accusing me. But this continued through the night. Until I hit the tears then he put up the volume on the TV so he couldn’t hear me then huffed and puffed I was still sniffling. It’s bloody exhausting. All that for the need of power and control and attention.
I know Scarlett. It’s very draining. Especially over months or years. Thanks, glad you liked the article!
Wow…your post reminded me of a book I read, called “Kiss Mommy Goodbye” by Joy Fielding where the main protagonist, Donna, falls in love with and gets married to a man who turns out to be extremely controlling.
Out of many random reasons he uses to pick yet another fight, the most memorable one is the fight about the tomato sauce. She makes a dish for dinner (I think it was meatloaf) with tomato paste as one of the ingredients which her husband enjoys but when later on she makes the same dish again, there is no tomato paste in the pantry so she uses tomato sauce instead. The controlling husband takes this very personally, accusing her of changing anything that he likes and she responds by saying, “I can’t believe we’re fighting over the tomato sauce!”
You were probably thinking, “I can’t believe we’re fighting over the bath mat!”
I’ve known some toxic people in my time and found out for myself how draining they can be and how they insidiously wear you down. That’s why I’ve vowed that I won’t ever let anyone like that in my personal life or, God forbid my home.
But I’ve read enough on this blog to realize that I do have some traits that could make me a target for a narcissist so maybe, further down the track, you’ll have good reason to say to me, “Famous last words”.
Son of a Covert Narcissistic mother here. In 32 years of life I’ve been accused of the most ridiculous things, to the most dangerous, like stealing money from her, or her smearing making me lose houses, jobs, etc. Accused and smeared my sister 19 Yo that time, of prostitution while she was on a two weeks vacation, first time she could leave our parents home. On her return lost her job and the place where she was living.
Now (because n. mother and my dad were living under my roof and can’t sack me of my own house or making me sell and give her the money) she left one day and ten days later we woke up one day to the police escorting us to a hearing for domestic violence. Narcissist personality disorder is not a thing to brush out, or equate to cliché traits, it only gets worse.
Sorry to hear that. I truly believe a large percentage of the world’s problems stem from narcissism.
Thank you.
And thank you for spreading great info here. When we were kids, or teens we were labeled as liers, but now, more and more when we speak openly with anybody, some say “that sounds like a narcissist!”. Your work is helping us to heal too.
Thanks Dre, I’m so glad what I do is helping!
Interesting. My brother and I were discussing 1980’s slang (I was a teen in the 80’s and my brother was born in the middle of that decade) and being a “narc” in those days meant that you were a tattle-tale.
Since narcissists are known to do that, as well as lying, I wondered whether or not this correlation was merely a coincident. Then I found a source on Very Well Mind that stated that narcissist personality disorder was first officially recognized in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual Mental Disorders…in 1980.