Most narcissists like to have sex. Nothing unusual there. But they usually have a very different attitude towards it.
Narcissists tend to see sex in a different way to people lower on the narcissistic spectrum. Narcissists view sex as something linked to power, worship, and control. Whereas less narcissistic people view it more in terms of mutual love and care.
Narcissists are supremely selfish. So it’s not surprising that sex is selfishly motivated. Which brings out some unusual behaviours and attitudes.
Narcissists usually make out that any problems in the bedroom are the fault of their partner. Even when this is clearly not the case. This leaves people confused as to what’s going on. And may unjustifiably feel guilty for all the problems that were actually caused by the narcissist.
So it helps to learn the narcissist’s attitudes towards sex. And why they do what they do. That way you’re more able to see what’s really going on.
Here’s some things I’ve noticed with narcissists and their attitudes towards sex…
Please Check Out This Short Video To Aid Your Understanding…
Narcissists Are Selfish In Bed
Unsurprisingly, many narcissists are selfish in bed, and only really care about their own needs. They may be caring and considerate in the early stages of a relationship. But once the narcissist feels they have you drawn in, they become less giving and more selfish.
Narcissists are only kind and caring when it gets them something. At the beginning of a relationship they have an incentive to be giving in bed. The incentive is to draw you in and get you to fall for them.
Most narcissists are intelligent enough to realise that they can’t be selfish at the beginning of a relationship. Most people would run a mile. So they are kind and giving in the early days. Simply to draw you in. It’s only when your relationship is established that they bring out their selfish side.
This sudden switch leaves you clinging on to the “good old days” and wondering what’s changed. Is it me? And of course if you say something, the narcissist will place ALL the blame on you.
Some Are Good In Bed
There always exceptions to rules. And narcissists can sometimes be terrific in bed. And here’s why.
Some narcissists try their best to be as good in bed as possible. Particularly male narcissists. They go all out to impress their partner. But it’s not because they want their partner to have a good time.
Narcissists want to be the best at everything. And some want to be the best at sex. And they’ll try their best to pleasure their partner just so that they can feel they’re a great lover.
The narcissist is motivated by seeing their partner react in pleasure. But only because it’s a reflection on how great they are. They want to be thought of as good in bed. So they might give you a good time, but it’s only for their own ego. And deep down you probably sense this.
Narcissists Fear Of Intimacy
Most narcissists are frightened by intimacy. They don’t like getting too close to people. Because that leaves them vulnerable to being hurt. If the narcissist starts feeling the love, they might shy away from sex, and act more distant for a while.
Many narcissists turn down sex with their partners. Especially in the longer relationships. In more established relationships, the narcissist is usually no longer looking to impress their partner. And they may regularly turn down sex.
The narcissist doesn’t really care about your feelings. So they may push you away in quite cold and uncaring ways. But if you turn the tables…
Narcissists Hate You Saying No
Even though the narcissist might regularly turn you down for sex, all hell breaks loose if you turn them down. How dare you!
Most narcissists expect their partners to give them sex whenever they want it. Despite them not returning the favour. They don’t see how hypocritical it is for them to turn you down, then get angry when you do the same.
The narcissist sees this as rejection, and a slap in the face. How dare you turn me down. And it doesn’t matter that you’ve worked 12 hour shifts all week. There’s no excuse for turning down the wonderful narcissist.
If the narcissist wants sex, then they expect it right now. Regardless of what you’ve doing, and whether you want it. The narcissist may accuse you of cheating or not loving them, rather than respecting your wishes.
And that says a lot about narcissists, and anyone else for that matter. If they don’t respect the fact that you don’t want sex, then how much do they really care about you?
Narcissists Withhold Sex
Some narcissists deliberately withhold sex. And use it for manipulation purposes. It might be withheld and only given as a reward if you behave in a way that pleases the narcissist. Such as giving them money, or doing them favours.
The narcissist may also withhold sex to make you yearn for them. Narcissists often like to ration out niceties and pleasure to their partners. So that when they do throw you the odd crumb, you hungrily devour it.
Narcissists may also withhold sex, then accuse you of not being sexual enough towards them. The narcissist wants you to feel responsible for the lack of action. And they want you to try harder to gain their attention. The narcissist then revels in turning you down and throwing it all in your face. All while making YOU feel at fault.
Push Your Boundaries
Some narcissists like to push the boundaries of their partners, and persuade them to do certain sexual acts they know they don’t really want to perform. And the narcissist gets a kick from knowing that they made them do something against their better judgement.
Most normal thinking people would hate the idea of their partner doing something they’re not comfortable with. But narcissists get a kick out of this. Remember, sex to a narcissist is largely about power and control. In their mind, if they can make you do something, they win. They don’t give a thought to how you feel.
Entitlement
Narcissists usually have a very entitled outlook on sex. They feel entitled to have it whenever they want. Your thoughts and needs are irrelevant.
Narcissists sometimes shove their tongues down your throat in an inappropriate way. Forcing you to kiss them passionately. I remember thinking of it more like kissing AT you, rather than kissing WITH you.
Narcissists may also attempt to have sex with their partners when they’re asleep. This is not uncommon. The narcissist might hate it if you ever wake them up. Even if it’s an accident. But they don’t mind waking you up for sex, whatever the time.
Final Thoughts
Many people comment that sex with a narcissist feels “empty”. Like there wasn’t any real love involved. Some go as far as to say they felt “used”.
As with most things, narcissists view sex only from their own perspective. They struggle to switch things round and consider how their partner must be feeling. And whenever they are “considerate”, it’s usually because they want to impress, or they’re buttering you up for some other reason.
Narcissists rarely do anything purely for others. They think of everything in terms of themselves and how they can benefit. This can be draining and demoralising when you’re in a relationship with them. You can spend weeks trying to find a morsel of compassion and care towards you. And because you’re left wanting, you cling to the tiniest shred of evidence that they care about you.
But deep down you know they don’t care, and they’re not here for you. And sadly there’s little respite, as this selfishness inevitably extends its way into the bedroom.
Please CLICK HERE To Learn About Narcissists Sexual Fluidity
I’ve also heard in another article that a narcissist often has a double standard with regards to sexual fidelity; they’ll blatantly cheat but God forbid that their significant other even looks sideways at another man or woman!
One boyfriend cheated on me more than I care to really know. Anytime I questioned his fidelity, he’d immediately began making up unfounded accusations. I never once cheated on him. Heck, I couldn’t even talk to male friends without being accused.
Yes, it seems that not even the golden rule applies to the narc because they think they’re “special” {insert sarcastic emjoi here}. I wouldn’t be surprised if the real reason he didn’t want you talking to your male friends because they would have given you a more healthy perspective on how a relationship should be. It’s good to know that you’re no longer with him. Life’s too short to allow toxic and draining people to remain in your life!
Jon, you’ve described every potential narcissistic response possible, most of which I’ve been on the receiving end. My Ex was all about control, sometimes brutal control, and what, when, how and where. 20 years of every abuse, I’d had enough. First long-term boyfriend took interest in my desires, but there was no depth, no emotional connection. He was all about being a ladies man; so he chased and cheated. Of course, any challenge from me reverted to him accusing me of cheating, which I never did. I respect myself too much and live by the golden rule. My last boyfriend also showed zero heart connection. Sure he aimed to please in the beginning, then he got sick with one ailment after another. I was provider, transportation, nurse, cook, housekeeper, laundress, and gardener. There was zero intimacy. Communication was nil. He’d leave the room. His demeanor projected hatred/resentment toward me. When it became apparent that he was completely content with nothing but BJs and had no interest in me, I finally told him, “no”. BOOM! He exploded … broke stuff, called me the most vile names and loud enough for the neighborhood to hear. A gun came into play and that was the end all. 911. All three had addictive characteristics. Single in my golden years and at peace.
It’s better to be single and at peace, than controlled and unhappy in a relationship, eh Maureen?! Sound like you’ve got it sussed now. I hope you have a long and happy narcissist retirement!