As I am reaching a more painful yet pivotal point in my journey with my narcissist, I realize a few things. I believe he is letting me know as a narcissist when he is taking on new supply.
He told me on the phone the other night that his former treatment coordinator contacted him and he is so proud of her because she became a nurse and he had paid for her to go through nursing school. He said she contacted him ( I recalled at that point he brought her up a few months ago that she had texted him and he just thought she was wonderful) about having her daughter intern at his dental office.
He proceeded to tell me he told her he still owed her dinner for all the hard work she has done for him in the past. I thought this was grossly inappropriate as she hasn’t worked for him in 8 years and then I thought to myself, “how crafty” he is setting it up so I wouldn’t think it was anything more than a benign thank you.
But I told him it sounded more like flirting than thanking. And he gaslit me saying “I’m so offended you would think that. I’m going to hang up”. Of course being an anxious attachment I went over to his home to try to smooth it out and then he reconfirmed that he was going to take her to dinner and its just “Jenkins!!!” ( that’s her last name) I looked her up on Facebook and she is most def single and in a lot of kissy provocative photos
Hi Crissy. Yes it’s definitely inappropriate to take her to dinner when he’s in a relationship with you. And if he really wanted to do it, he could invite you along!
He also clearly didn’t consider your feelings. Which shows his lack of empathy. And just attacked you when you expressed concern. Which isn’t something a caring partner would do.
He also punished you for not giving this your blessing, by hanging up on you. If you have anxious attachment, then he’s surely knows this. And uses it to his advantage.
Narcissists often try to establish different rules for themselves. And they often get arrogant and think they can hide in plain sight. But I bet he wouldn’t be happy if you did the same, and took a guy out to dinner!
Whether he’s having an affair, planning on, or just loves the attention is unclear. As all three scenarios provide supply. But it’s certainly not good what he’s doing!
The second part of your question sheds a bit more light on this…
Recently my narc has upped the ante of abuse seeing how far he can take it. What is it all about when he asks me for assistance ( many times in front of his 9 yr old) and then will yell at me or degrade for not doing what he needs correctly. Its so degrading I cant begin to tell you the fear and anxiety it elicits.
For example over the weekend he asked me to help him mount a huge TV. I could barely hold my end of it as he screwed it in and dropped the screws on the floor. As his son sat on the couch playing some game where he was killing a guy in a hot air balloon, I was barked at to find the screws he dropped.
I found two and he asked where the 3rd one was. I looked around and said it wasn’t on the floor. “well find it !!!!”, he demanded! I started to break into a sweat as I couldn’t see it anywhere. “Its not here, I don’t know what you want me to do?” I said subserviently.
“Keep looking until you find it”. My heart was racing. I was angry and scared of failing him and at the same time and then what I feared most happened. ” FORGET IT!!! I’ll have to just call someone else who can really help me”.
Suddenly he said “here it is” ( I think he had it all the time). He finished screwing the TV in and then his demeanour changed as he gave his 8 yr old the drill he had used and proceeded to let him drill the foam boards with it all over the place which was horrifying to watch and foam went flying everywhere. He thanked me like nothing happened.
Hi Crissy. It sounds like he was setting you up to fail. All so he could devalue you, and feel like the big man. And there could be more to this too…
You mentioned that the TV was heavy, but it sounds like you just about managed to lift it. Which he may not have expected! Which is probably why he dropped the screws. And as you indicated, he may have withheld one to send you on a fools errand. Setting you up to “fail”.
Narcissists love feeing powerful, and above people. Particularly with their partners. And if you were anxious with your heart pounding, he’s bound to have noticed. And it’s likely that’s the response he wanted. Because it made him feel powerful and in control. And above you.
He also stated he would find someone who can really help. Which is triangulating you with an “unknown person”. And this could well be his former treatment co-ordinator you mentioned earlier.
Narcissists sometimes create “problems” in advance of affairs. Then if you catch them, they can blame you. He can say something like, “Well you never help me enough when I need it, and she does”, as an excuse. Making it YOUR fault HE had an affair!
Narcissists also get cocky when they have a new flame on the horizon. And devalue much more. Because they know they have a fall back option, should you walk away.
Most narcissists hate being single. So the threat of it reigns in their behaviours to some degree. But when they have another source of supply, they usually treat their primary partners worse. Because there’s less consequences for them.
So it sounds to me like he’s getting some supply from her. But we don’t know to what level. And that’s probably why he’s been treating you worse lately.
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