Ending a relationship with a narcissist is not like ending a “normal” one. Usually you have a fairly civilised chat, gain closure, and go your separate ways. And maybe stay as friends or casual acquaintances. But with narcissists, it’s different.
Narcissists consider their partners their property. And even though the relationship has ended, you’re still their possession.
It doesn’t matter whether YOU ended the relationship or they did. It doesn’t even matter if they did the dirty on you. The narcissist likes to keep their ex partners on the back burner, in case they need them in the future.
They might stalk your social media, to see how available and vulnerable you are. Spy on your home, to see what you’re up to. And even if they’re in another relationship, they might still want you as a bit on the side.
If you look like you’ve moved on, the narcissist may sabotage your new relationships. Just to keep their “possession” secure. And generally make your life hell.
No good can come from staying in contact with a narcissist once a relationship has ended. So it’s often best to go completely no contact, unless you have children with them. (Which I’ll discuss later).
Here’s some tips to help you go no contact with a narcissist…
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Don’t Expect Closure
Narcissists are notorious for not giving closure at the end of relationships. This is down to their lack of empathy. Plus their need to keep you psychologically entangled with them, should they need you in the future.
This lack of closure leaves questions unanswered, gnawing away at you. And the narcissist knows this.
Lack of closure often drives people to make contact with the narcissist. Because there’s so many questions they want answering. And they may want to give the narcissist a piece of their mind. But this is playing into their hands.
If a narcissist knows you’re desperate for answers, then they have power. And they’re not going to give it up by giving you closure. Instead they dangle the carrot, then whip it away. And toy with your emotions.
As hard as it is, you’re better off accepting you won’t get closure. Because even if you get answers, they’re unlikely to be true. And more likely to be spun, to make them innocent, and you the bad guy. Causing you more confusion and misery.
The best way to get closure is to learn as much as you can about narcissism. Because this reveals far more about the narcissists behaviours, motives, and intentions, than they ever will.
When You’re Leaving
This is going to sound ruthless, and it is. But when you’re dealing with a narcissist, you must fight fire with fire.
If you’re leaving the narcissist, then don’t warn them before you go. Because this gives them the chance to play mind games. And worse still, they have the chance to make it difficult for you to leave. They might withhold cash, or cherished possessions. And play mind games to get you doubting yourself.
Narcissists often behave like spoilt children if someone finishes with them. Because it shatters their delusions of superiority. Which may cause angry outbursts, and possibly violence.
Some people meticulously plan their escape over weeks, even months. Squirrelling money away, and planning their new future. And when it’s time to leave, they slip away quietly into the night.
Change Your Number
Once you’ve made your escape, change your phone number. And do it immediately. Because if you don’t, you open yourself up to their mind games.
Narcissists have a life time of experience playing mind games. And are likely to be better at it than you.
If they have access to your number, then they have the chance to try multiple tactics, until they find the one that works.
They may try the emotional approach, telling you how much they miss you. And reminisce about the “good old days”. Or play the victim telling you that they’re ill, and not coping.
If this doesn’t work, then they might try threats and intimidation. And if all else fails, claim they’ve changed.
The narcissists will try to get you into an emotional state of mind. Because this reduces your rational thinking. And they hope you irrationally take them back, even though it’s not in your best interests.
You may reason that you won’t answer the phone. But they’re persistent. And may ring multiple times a day, for weeks on end. Hoping to catch you at a weak point.
Even if you don’t answer, they may phone you in the middle of the night, just to disturb you. Hoping you’ll answer with an angry outburst. Because it still gives them a foot in the door.
Block Them On ALL Social Media
You’re only as strong as your weakest link. And if the narcissist finds ANY means of communication, they’ll exploit it. So block them on ALL social media – and email.
It’s also important not to look at their social media. Even anonymously. Because the narcissist will anticipate this. And use their status updates to play mind games.
They may post pictures of their new flame. Just to annoy you. Or complain about fictitious health problems. To garner your sympathy.
The narcissist may put things out there to get a reaction. And even a negative angry reaction is better than nothing. Because it still opens the lines of communication.
Don’t Tell Them Where You’re Living
If you’re moving out from the narcissist, then don’t tell them where you’re living. And don’t tell anyone who might tell them. I know this sounds harsh, but it’ll save you a tonne of trouble down the line.
Narcissists are notorious for stalking exes. And may spy on your movements, and knock on your door at all hours.
Like I said earlier, some narcissists are persistent. And even if you ignore the door, they may keep showing up for months on end. Causing you worry, stress and anxiety. Because you never know when they might turn up.
Change Jobs
I know this sounds extreme, but if the narcissist knows where you work, then it might be worth changing jobs. Because they may turn up at your workplace. Or wait outside to talk to you when you leave. Even follow home you to find out where you live.
I appreciate this isn’t an easy option. But if you feel your safety is at risk, then sometimes needs must.
Inform The Police
If the narcissist does stalk you, then inform the Police. Although they can’t stand guard outside your home, they might help you get a court order. Or have a word with them, warning them to leave you alone.
The Police will also log your concerns. Which helps them take legal action if the narcissist over steps the mark.
Regularly logging your concerns with the Police helps build a picture. And might be useful evidence in the future, should you ever need it.
If You Share Children
If you share children with the narcissist, then it’s going to be tougher. Because if the narcissist wants to see you, they can do it through the guise of wanting to see their children. And there’s little you can do to stop them.
In this case, it’s still worth blocking them on all social media. But unfortunately they’re going to have your phone number to make arrangements.
Since you can’t totally avoid them, use the grey rock method. This is where you don’t respond emotionally to their provocations. Instead stay polite but to the point. Almost like you’re dealing with a difficult customer at work.
Try not to react to anything they say or do. Stay as calm and to the point as you can. And if you keep this up, the narcissist will eventually grow bored. And hopefully move to pastures new.
Final Thoughts
Going completely no contact is usually the best policy when leaving a narcissist. Because they don’t act like normal rational adults.
Most narcissists are prepared to stalk, intimidate, and play mind games to win someone back. Or to get something they want. They don’t care whether that person has moved on. Because they only consider their own needs and wants.
And even if they do realise they’re unwanted, they may seek revenge. Because anyone rejecting a narcissist delivers a huge blow to their ego. And challenges their delusions of superiority.
Narcissists can be persistent. And if they haven’t found a suitable replacement, they may hound you until they do. Because they’re so desperate for attention and validation.
So it’s in your best interest to go completely no contact. And although it may feel harsh, it’s looking after you for a change. So don’t feel bad for the narcissist. Because for once, your needs should come first.
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