Narcissists feel entitled to violate boundaries. Particularly with those they’re close to.
At the beginning of a relationship or friendship, narcissists pretend to respect boundaries. Because they want to draw you in and gain your trust. But gradually they push more and more. Getting you used to your boundaries being violated, further and further.
Narcissists test how firmly you protect your boundaries. And learn what tactics work best to break them. Once they discover the tactic that works, they rinse and repeat.
Learning how narcissists violate boundaries helps you see what they’re up to. And allows you to take action before it’s too late. So here’s the most common ways narcissists violate boundaries…
Please Check Out This Short Video To Aid Your Understanding…
Not Taking A Hint
Narcissists often deliberately refuse to take hints. (Although sometimes they’re too self absorbed to notice them). They do this when your hints contradict their wants. Or if they want to assert their dominance.
During a social occasion, you may be tired and wanting to call it a night. But the narcissist seems blissfully unaware that your mouth is yawning, and your watery eyes are half closed.
You might stretch and yawn loudly. And comment that you’re tired. But the narcissist is oblivious. Finally you tell them you’re done. And they respond with “just another hour”.
Two hours and many hints later, you repeat that you want to go home. And they act shocked, like you never mentioned you were tired.
Their refusal to take a hint is mind blowingly frustrating. Because it forces you to spell things out. And aside it being uncomfortable to be so direct, it comes with its own problems…
Anger
After being forced to go direct, narcissists aren’t happy. Because it’s more difficult to ignore you. So they up the ante too.
The narcissist may deliberately find something you said offensive. And complain about your directness. Neglecting the fact that you spent hours trying to be diplomatic.
The narcissist is angry that you asserted a boundary that stopped them in their tracks. But they can’t admit this, because it gives their game away. So they punish you by claiming what you said was offensive. And shift the blame onto you.
Just remember, you’re entitled to have boundaries, and to assert your needs and wants. And anyone who tries to deny you of this, doesn’t have your best interests at heart.
Guilt Trips
A narcissist might work round your boundaries by using guilt trips. Essentially using your empathy against you.
A classic is where they cry poverty. And claim they have no money for food or basics. Leaving you feeling sorry for them. Then a week later you discover they bought an expensive pair of shoes.
Narcissists use guilt trips to gain your help and compliance in many ways. I’ve known some to play the depression card to convince people to clean their house. And the victim card is commonly used when they want your attention.
People naturally feel guilty for maintaining boundaries when someone’s in trouble. And narcissists know this, and play on it.
Doing Something You Asked Them Not to
Some narcissists push boundaries by deliberately doing things you asked them not to. A classic is where you have children from a previous relationship, and you ask them not to kiss you in front of them. And what do they do?!
This pushes you into a difficult position. Because you don’t want to cause a scene. So you wait until a later time to talk. And by then you’ve either forgotten, or the moment has passed.
If you do discuss it, the narcissist feigns innocence. And may throw it back in your face that they were only trying to be nice. Again leaving you feeling guilty.
In Company
Narcissists like to push boundaries at inappropriate times. Because they know you’re less likely to assert them when in company.
So they may joke about you being fat in front of friends. Knowing you’re sensitive about this. Or call you “boring” when you want to wrap up a night out. Knowing you need your sleep.
Narcissists are clever at using outside pressure. Because they make their boundary transgressions seem trivial. But usually it’s things you’ve told them that trigger you. Or are important to you.
So they do it in front of an audience, knowing you’re less likely to assert your boundary. And if you do, you look like the crazy one.
Recruit Others
Narcissists sometimes push boundaries by recruiting others to help. And it may seem like harmless fun to outsiders. But the narcissist knows exactly what they’re doing.
For instance, the narcissist may realise that your children are growing up, and soon you’re going to have more freedom. And they can’t have that. But they have a problem – you don’t want any more.
To remedy this, they ask your children if they’d like a new brother or sister. Using them to pressure you into having more.
During a night out, they may know you have an early start tomorrow. And you don’t want a late one. But they encourage others to persuade you to stay out. Using peer pressure to break down your boundaries.
Acts Of “Kindness”
Some narcissists hide their boundary transgressions behind acts of kindness. They may buy you clothes that are different to your usual style. Just to control what you wear.
Or buy you a ticket to an event they know you don’t want to go to. Making you feel obliged to go.
Some narcissists do “kind” deeds before asking a favour. Knowing you’ll feel obliged to say “yes”.
And of course if you resist their “acts of kindness”, you’re accused of being ungrateful. And told you’ve hurt their feelings. Again playing on your guilt. And next time you’re more likely to go along with it, just for a peaceful life.
Repeating The Same Requests
Narcissists sometimes navigate their way round boundaries by repeating their requests. When they hear a “no”, they wait a while, then ask again. And repeat this cycle until they get the answer they wanted.
The narcissist hopes you’ve changed your mind, forgotten your original stance, or are worn down by their persistence.
They don’t care what you want. Only what they can get from you. So if they can break down your boundaries to get what they want, they’re happy to do it.
Not Leaving Your House
Particularly with new friends and lovers, narcissists sometimes camp out at their home for days. And severely over stay their welcome.
In the narcissists head, they’ve not been asked to leave. Which means it’s OK to stay. Neglecting the fact that it’s difficult for many people to kick them out. Especially when they deliberately don’t take hints. And if they’re asked to leave, you can bet they take offence.
This puts people in a tricky position. Because they want the narcissist to leave. But they don’t want to fight about it. So many people grin and bare it. Putting up with the narcissists for way longer than they wanted.
Give Your Stuff Away
Narcissists’ boundary violations extend to personal possessions. They feel entitled to other peoples stuff. Especially their loved ones.
A big clue to their sense of entitlement is when they give or lend your stuff without asking. You may not even know it’s gone until you come to use it. But if you do the same with their stuff, it’s a different story.
Narcissists often commandeer other peoples possessions to assert their dominance. But also their lack of empathy means they don’t understand the importance of other peoples’ stuff. Because it’s not important to them.
Turn Up Unannounced
If a narcissist senses you don’t want them around, then they have the perfect solution – turn up unannounced! The narcissist knows it’s difficult to turn them away once they arrive. And it pressures you into compliance.
The narcissist doesn’t care if you’re tired, have other plans, or want time to yourself. If they want to hang out, then they’re entitled to your time. Regardless of your boundaries.
Asking Personal Questions
Some narcissists push boundaries by asking personal questions. Such as explicit details about your love life. How much you earn. Etc.
They may sense your discomfort when questioning you. But that doesn’t put them off. In fact it might spur them on. Because the more difficult it is to get the information out of you, the more precious the prize. Plus some narcissists love to watch people squirm.
Subtle Put Downs
Narcissists commonly push boundaries by using subtle put downs, often dressed as jokes. They tease you in a half joking way, and gauge your reaction. If you don’t complain, then they dial it up a notch and repeat.
When you finally react, the narcissist backtracks. And claims they were joking. And may accuse you of being over sensitive.
Once challenged, they may cool down the insults for a while. But it doesn’t take long to re-introduce them. Gradually increasing the intensity and frequency of their “jokes”. Until before you know it, you’re back to square one.
Through time and effort, the narcissist conditions you to accept their insults. Despite it violating your boundaries. Because it’s done subtly and incrementally.
Final Thoughts
To narcissists, your boundaries aren’t to be respected. They’re to be conquered. Unless they’re love bombing, or trying to get on your good side. But this is only a means to an end. And not a genuine respect for your boundaries.
Narcissists are too self absorbed to appreciate the importance of your boundaries. Their lack of empathy prevents them from seeing things from your perspective. So if your boundaries stand in their way, they use every trick they can to get round them.
If a narcissist is malevolent, then they may enjoy violating your boundaries. And get off on making you feel uncomfortable. Even if there’s nothing to be gained.
If you’re dealing with a narcissist, then you must keep your boundaries strong. Because they’ll stomp all over them if they let them. Decide exactly where your line is and be clear when communicating it.
You don’t need to be rude, but you must be clear and to the point. Because if you leave any wiggle room, they keep pushing your boundaries. And they won’t stop.
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