Imagine being stuck in a position where anything you do is wrong. No matter what choice you make. Pretty frustrating, right?
Unfortunately, this is what many narcissists do to people. They manipulate situations to trap them into double binds. Where you’re damned if you do, and damned if you don’t.
There’s many ways narcissists set up double binds. Here’s some examples of how narcissists use double binds, plus what they gain from them…
Please Watch The Following Short Video To Aid Your Understanding…
How Narcissists Set Up Double Binds
Narcissists may set you up with double binds deliberately. Or they might happen by chance. Here’s some examples of deliberate double binds…
The narcissist leaves a half eaten chocolate bar on the side. If you throw it away, they kick up a fuss, because they were saving it for later. If you leave it, they scold you for not tidying up. Either way, you’re “wrong”.
Another tactic is when narcissists give mixed signals, making it hard to figure out what they want. One minute, they praise you for doing something they asked. The next, criticize you for doing the exact same thing.
For example, they may tell you to be more affectionate. Then when you are, accuse you of being clingy. Or they may say that you need to be more assertive. Then complain you’re being a bully.
Another double bind tactic is to ask questions, where any answer can be taken as wrong. This is particularly effective with yes/no questions.
So they may ask if they should wear a particular item of clothing. If you say no, you’re accused of putting down their clothes. If you say yes, you’re sabotaging them to wear something ridiculous.
A particularly cruel double bind is subtly flirting in front of their partner. Because if they turn a blind eye, they’ve given this behaviour the green light. But if they say something, they’re accused of being controlling, jealous, and paranoid.
Perhaps most commonly, narcissists create double binds by chance, due to their narcissistic ways. Many narcissists criticise their partners for pretty much everything they do. Just to push them on to the back foot. But the net effect is that some of their criticisms contradict each other. Even though they didn’t plan for this.
How Narcissists Use Double Binds To Control You
Many narcissists are skilled at using double binds to control people. They thrive on causing confusion, where you feel like you’re walking on eggshells, trying to decipher what they want. This keeps you off-balance, and dependent on their approval.
Double binds manipulate your emotions. Because when you’ve wronged someone, you instinctively want to make it up to them. Which allows the narcissist to get away with more narcissistic behaviours. Plus they gain more compliance, because you’re eager to make amends.
Double binds also erode your self-confidence. As a state of confusion gets you questioning your judgement, actions, and even your self-worth. Making you more vulnerable to manipulation. As you rely on the narcissist to make decisions for you, and confirm your reality.
Comply Or Be Abandoned
Some narcissists push their partners into positions where they either comply, or risk being abandoned. The classic line is “If you loved me you’d…”. Which gives the choice of either doing something you don’t want to do, or be interpreted as not loving them.
As you probably know, narcissists like to move quick in relationships. And lock their partners in with cohabiting, marriage, children, etc. So they may ask you to live with them after 3 weeks of knowing them. Then threaten to leave if you express doubts. So your choice is to move in with them against your wishes. Or risk losing them.
Some narcissists regularly end relationships in response to things that could easily be resolved. Then quickly rekindle the relationship. This sends the message that you do as you’re told, or the relationship is over.
Double Binds In Debates
There seems to be a growing trend of using double binds in debates. Rather than actually debate the issue.
Anything related to gender, race, religion or sexuality is often shut down for being discrimination. Even when this is clearly not the case. This leaves the person affected with the choice of either lying or suppressing their opinions. Or being accused of bigotry.
At the time of writing, a British Muslim football player was asked to wear a rainbow armband to promote LGTB. He declined, citing his religious beliefs.
Sadly he was put in a bind, where he had to choose between turning his back on his his religious beliefs. Or face criticism for “hating” the LGBT community. Despite never saying he did.
Covert Double Binds
Some double binds are extremely covert. Making them hard to detect. Here’s a real life example of a covert double bind from a previous job I had…
The manager was a box ticker. And more concerned with looking good, than actually doing a good job.
She wanted to create the impression she was a great manager via paper work. So she turned a blind eye, and praised the productivity of staff who signed for tasks they didn’t actually do.
She also pushed more work on honest staff. Making it practically impossible to get everything done without cheating. So the honest staff were left in a bind. They could look like lazy workers, despite working hard. Or join in the cheating with everyone else.
How to Break Free From Double Binds
If you’re trapped in a double bind, you can break free. Here’s a few steps you can take…
Recognise the Manipulation
Recognise the double bind for what it is… a manipulation tactic. Now you’re aware of double binds, remind yourself that being trapped in lose-lose situations is not a reflection of you. Or your ability to make decisions. It’s a reflection of the narcissist’s manipulations.
Trust Yourself
When narcissists try to manipulate you into doubting yourself, it’s important to rebuild trust in your own judgement. Remind yourself that you know what’s best for you. You don’t need validation from anyone who’s trying to confuse and control you.
Set Boundaries
Narcissists thrive where there’s no boundaries. Setting firm boundaries helps protect you from being manipulated. For example, you might distance yourself from anyone who double binds. Because you know it’s a sign of an unhealthy relationship.
Seek Support
If you’re dealing with a narcissist, it’s important to have a support network outside of them. Talk to friends, family, or a therapist. This helps ground you, and gives you a fresh perspective. Narcissists want you to listen solely to them, for obvious reasons.
Final Thoughts
Double binds are one of many tools narcissists use to manipulate and control people. They create confusion, undermine your confidence, and keep you in a state of emotional turmoil. But the more you understand this tactic, the more you can take back your power.
Remember, you deserve clarity, respect, and healthy communication. Don’t let anyone trap you in lose-lose situations. Because anyone who deliberately does this, doesn’t have your best interests at heart. So why give them your time?
Please CLICK HERE For How Narcissists Avoid Accountability