Narcissists develop a range of tactics to control and manipulate others. And arguing is one of the main tools in their toolbox.
Narcissists know that most people hate conflict. And will bend over backwards to avoid it. Whereas they don’t mind. In fact some narcissists get a kick out of conflict. Which gives them a huge advantage.
Narcissists lack emotional empathy. So they don’t feel others pain. Which allows them to sleep easy after a blazing row. Because they don’t FEEL bad for the hostilities, and the hurt they cause.
However, they know that YOU do have emotional empathy. And you feel bad after an argument. And this lasts for days. Affecting your mood, and even your sleep.
Narcissists are all about power. And they use this dynamic to their advantage. Here’s how narcissists use arguments, and the threats of arguments, for their own gain…
Please Watch The Following Short Video To Aid Your Understanding…
To Get Their Own Way
Narcissists don’t want equal relationships. They want to dominate. And arguing massively helps with this.
Anything you do that they don’t like, they turn into an argument. Because narcissists believe that relationships should solely benefit them.
It’s likely that when faced with conflict, you back down, and let them get their way. Because going to an Italian restaurant instead of Indian, isn’t worth fighting for. Not for most people. But for a narcissist, it is.
Narcissists have a pathological need to control and dominate relationships. And they plot and plan ways to achieve this.
Narcissists even argue over things they don’t particularly want. Just to prove a point. And to establish themselves as top dog…
To Establish Themselves As Boss
Once narcissists learn they can dominate by arguing, they rinse and repeat. Because in their mind, they have a formula to success.
Over time, you learn to back down more and more. Because you’re tired of arguing. And you know they’ll fight to the bitter end.
After a while, the narcissist doesn’t even need to fight. Because you give in anyway. As you learn it’s not worth the hassle.
This establishes the narcissist as the undisputed boss in the relationship. Because whatever they say, goes.
After some time, they get used to this dynamic. And their partners do too. And it becomes an almost unwritten rule that they always get their way.
For Punishment
Narcissists often use Pavlovian tactics to gain compliance. Which is punishment and reward. And arguing is often their go-to form of punishment.
You may be punished with an argument if you don’t have food on the table as soon as they walk in. Or if you slightly overcook the vegetables.
If you did as you’re told, then you might be “rewarded” with a peaceful time. And maybe even some kindness. For now.
Narcissists often leave their partners feeling like they’re “on probation”. As if they have to constantly prove themselves. And even when things are peaceful and harmonious, the threat of an argument is never far away. Which is designed to keep them in line.
To Feel Powerful
Narcissists love feeling powerful. And they like it when people walk on egg shells around them. Because in their mind, this demonstrates their power.
Narcissists sense when you’re fearing an argument. And they love this, because it feeds their delusions of superiority.
So they may hint that they’re about to cause an argument, just to push you on the back foot. And make you squirm. Then they can strut around, feeling like the cock of the world.
Often the threat of an argument is more frightening than the argument itself. And narcissist play on this tension. And keep their partners guessing… and on the back foot.
To Keep You Anxious
Narcissists sometimes create arguments out of thin air. Totally out the blue, over something trivial. And there’s a sinister reason why they do this…
Narcissists don’t want you to be settled. Because someone calm and confident is more difficult to control. They want you to be fearful and anxious. Then you’re more likely to do as you’re told.
So the narcissist may create sudden and unexpected arguments. With no rhyme or reason. To keep you anxious at all times. Because you never know when or why they might flip.
After a while, you learn anticipate arguments ALL THE TIME. Because you never know when they’re going to occur. And this keeps you in an anxious state of flight or fight.
A Show Of Dominance
Narcissists use arguments to show their dominance. And they might pick on someone in front of others, to show their power.
Narcissists typically pick out the weakest in a group. And give them a hard time in front of an audience.
Not only does this show their “dominance” to that person, but it serves as a warning to the others. Because it implies that the same will happen to them, if they act out of line.
Tactical Reasons
Narcissists employ arguments for other tactical reasons. For instance, if they don’t want their partner to go out with friends, then they might cause an argument.
Narcissists typically cause arguments just before their partner is due to go out. And they make sure they’re as upset and frustrated as possible. Then they’re not in the frame of mind for socialising with friends. So they stay at home. Mission accomplished.
A narcissist may also use arguments as a distraction. Especially if they’ve done something wrong.
If a narcissist is confronted about something, then they often make counter allegations. Even if they’re nothing to do with the original complaint.
This takes the focus away from themselves and their behaviours. And puts it onto you. Which hides what you initially confronted them about. Because it gets lost in the toxic argument.
For Attention
Narcissists also cause arguments to gain attention. And there’s two common scenarios they do this.
The first is to take the spotlight from someone. For example, if they’re at someone else’s celebration, narcissists often feel jealous. Because they want to be centre of attention.
So they may create an argument, just to steal the limelight. Because everyone notices an argument. And everyone talks about it, long after the occasion.
Narcissists may also create arguments if they want to gain an individual’s attention. Especially if they’ve been keeping their distance from the narcissist.
Narcissists need attention most of the time. And if they don’t get it, they may create an argument to force the issue. Because during an argument, they’re given FULL attention. Even if it’s negative. To a narcissist, negative attention is better than none.
Narcissists sometimes use these arguments to get themselves back into peoples lives. Because an argument opens the lines of communication. And when the dust settles, they can extend an olive branch. And ingrain themselves back into your life.
Final Thoughts
Arguing is a useful tool for most narcissists. Because the mere threat of it is often enough to get them what they want.
Some narcissists like arguing. Because it gets their heart pumping, and gives them a buzz. Which energises them. Whereas the rest of us feel drained. But even if they don’t like arguing, it affects them far less than most people, due to their lack of emotional empathy.
This means you suffer from the argument far more than the narcissist. And they play on this.
Generally, it’s best not to engage in arguments with narcissists, if you can help it. Because it’s usually playing into their hands. As it punishes you, and not them.
Instead, try to remain calm, and get your point across rationally. Then watch them try to provoke you into an argument. Because this is what they’re likely to attempt.
Narcissists want to turn things into a confusing toxic mess. Because they deep know they’re being unreasonable. And staying rational exposes this.
If you remain calm, then you’ve won. Because the narcissist has failed to distract you with an argument. And failed to punish you with those inevitable bad feelings you have, once the dust settles.
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