Narcissists live for narcissistic supply. This supply consists of power, control, attention and admiration. Narcissists gain power and control by being “one up” over people. And in their eyes, to be one up, they must devalue others to knock them down.

Narcissists sometimes put people down directly. Especially their “nearest and dearest”. But for the most part, they use subtle means to devalue. And there’s a big reason why they often resort to a subtle approach…

Please Check Out This Short Video To Aid Your Understanding…

Why Narcissists Devalue Subtly

Narcissists understand that they can’t run amok, putting people down willy nilly. Because that would lose them attention and admiration. Vital components of narcissistic supply. And soon they’d run out of people to put down.

Narcissists know they need to keep people onside, at least to some degree, to keep supply flowing. They need people’s help, for power and control. And they need them to stick around to give them the attention and admiration they desperately crave.

So narcissists devise subtle ways of devaluing people. Enough that it erodes their self confidence, making them feel inferior to the narcissist. But not enough where the person stops giving them supply.

These subtle put downs are more powerful than most people realise. They slowly erode confidence, like the sea gradually wearing away at the rocks. It’s difficult to see it happening at the time. But the affects are potent in the long term.

Once you learn how narcissists subtly devalue others, you become more empowered. You see what they’re up to. Which reduces it’s effectiveness. And it gives you the opportunity to run for the hills if you want to. Because you’re aware of its negative effects. But that of course is up to you.

So here we go. Here’s how narcissists subtly devalue others…

Arrive Late

A classic narcissist devaluation move is to keep people waiting by arriving late. It’s easy to chalk this down to their haphazard ways. But the lateness is deliberate.

The narcissist isn’t late for something they consider important. Such as a job interview. Or a hot first date. Oh no, they get their sh*t together for that! So why are they late for you?

The narcissist is deliberately late to show you who’s boss. You must wait for them until they decide to arrive. Which makes you subconsciously subservient to them. This question may help illustrate their thinking…

Would you be late meeting the Queen? And flipping it round, would you complain if the Queen was late for you? No, and no!

By arriving late, the narcissist places themselves as the VIP. And you as the underling, patiently waiting for them to show up. It’s subtle, but that’s the mindset they want to instil.

Cancel Plans Last Minute

A narcissist may devalue by cancelling plans last minute, offering weak excuses. They may say they’re tired for example. But again, they know what they’re doing.

Cancelling implies that you’re not a priority. And in this example, their need for rest is more important than honouring their arrangement with you.

It also shows that they can’t be bothered planning their time so that they weren’t tired. It’s another non verbal way of saying you don’t matter. Which symbolically places you firmly beneath them. And they feel empowered, whilst you feel deflated.

Treat You As An Afterthought

A narcissist might put you in your place by treating you as an afterthought. They may for example phone you half way through a night out, inviting you to join in. Showing that you weren’t important enough to be invited with everyone else.

Or the narcissist may invite you AFTER they and others have bought tickets to an event. Then assure you that if you hurry, there should be a few tickets left. Thanks!

Contact At Inconvenient Times

The narcissist may show how little you matter by contacting you at inconvenient times. Inconvenient for you that is.

They may contact you late at night, because they’re a night owl. Even though they know you have work in the morning. Or contact you when they know you’re cooking a meal for your family. Because they never cook.

The narcissist establishes superiority, by expecting you to drop everything for them. And shows little regard for your needs or lifestyle. But would they drop everything for you?

Talk Down About Things You Like

Narcissists may take indirect swipes at you by putting things down that they know you like. It could be music, films, food etc.

They may for example say Rose wine is “common”, indirectly calling you common. Or that a film you like is “banal”.

If confronted, the narcissist may feign an apology. Or worse still, accuse you of being sensitive.

Either way, they still got their point across. And may repeat this same indirect put down in the future. Which shows it’s deliberate intention.

Compliment Others

Another sly way of devaluing is to compliment someone else. Say you’re in a romantic relationship, then they may compliment an ex. Which of course is bound to make you bristle. Or if you’re friends, they may say how great another friend is.

Complimenting another friend so lavishly, implies that you’re not a great friend. But without actually saying so. And they hope to make you jealous.

Of course you sound like a you should be locked in a room with soft walls if you complain about them complimenting someone else. And they know this. So silence is your only option.

Put Others Down

A narcissist may indirectly put you down by putting someone else down, for something that also applies to you.

For example they may chastise someone for their “crappy minimum wage job”. Knowing that you also work for minimum wage.

This may seem like a clumsy mistake. But it probably isn’t.

Put Themselves Down

In a similar way, narcissists may put themselves down for something that applies to you. And pretend to be self depreciating.

But beware of a self depreciating narcissist. They’re either fishing for a compliment, or using it to put someone down.

They may for example call themselves a “loser” for being single for 3 months. Knowing you’ve been single longer. But there’s usually enough doubt in your mind to let them off.

Please Check Out This Short Video To Aid Your Understanding…

“Jokes”

Many narcissists devalue people by telling “jokes” about them. I use inverted commas because the jokes usually aren’t funny. And the real aim is to devalue that person.

Narcissists often wait until there’s a crowd before they tell their “jokes”. That way there’s more people to witness the embarrassment they hope to create. Which increases the potency of their devaluation.

These so called jokes are insults masquerading as jokes. So the narcissist has an excuse if anyone complains. “I was only joking”, or “you’re so sensitive”

Remain Quiet

A narcissist may subtly devalue you by remaining quiet, when convention dictates a compliment.

For example, you may have gone to a great effort to cook a meal for friends. And everyone compliments what a wonderful job you did, except the narcissist. Who remains stone cold silent.

Their silence speaks volumes. It’s obvious they’re not impressed. But you can’t call them out, because they’ve not actually said anything. And who’s gonna demand a compliment?!

Deliberately Ignoring

A narcissist may also devalue by deliberately blanking you when you ask them a question.

I remember noticing this with my ex. If I asked her if she wanted a cup of tea, she would say yes if she did. But if she didn’t, she’d blank me.

One time I decided to keep asking until she responded. Eventually she impatiently blurted, “NO I DON’T!” Indicating that she heard me the first time!

This deliberate blanking aims to show how unimportant you are. Not even deserving of a response. How rude!

Nick Names

Narcissists may subtly devalue by giving unwanted nick names. The name “pet” may sound endearing. But consider it’s literal meaning!

Giving nick names is a common narcissist tactic. And may seem like a cheeky joke, but they know what they’re doing.

It’s their way of depersonalising you. And Lording it over you by selecting a name for you. Rather than asking you what you prefer to be called. And again, if you call them out on it, they claim it’s a light hearted “joke”.

Body Language

Narcissists also use body language in various ways to show how unimportance you are. And this works well, because of its subtle nature.

They may hold out an object, such as a cup, to gesture for you to take it. Turn their back on you whilst you’re mid sentence. Waggle their finger to beckon you over. Or yawn whilst you’re talking.

Narcissists get away with these, because no words are spoken. And these gestures cause confusion. Because it’s not often you experience them.

If you manage to navigate the confusion and challenge them, it sounds like YOU are the narcissist. Imagine saying, “How dare you turn your back on me!”

Walk Ahead

Another classic narcissist move is to walk ahead of you, rather than by your side. This is a very literal way of showing you who’s boss. They’re ahead, and you’re behind. And it’s infuriating, scurrying behind them, whilst they stride proudly ahead.

If you complain, the narcissist doesn’t adjust their pace. Instead they tell you you’re too slow. Which shows their unwillingness to compromise.

I’ve experienced supposed family days out where my Dad would walk so far ahead, I never had chance to look at anything. Or relax in any way.

It was a race to get from point A to point B. Hopefully without getting lost. The whole day chasing a shadowy figure, who disappeared into the distant crowds.

Final Thoughts

Most narcissists use subtle tactics to devalue you, because it gives them the best of both worlds. They get to put you in your place and feel powerful. But at the same time, maintain the façade of being a good(ish) person. Because most of it is unspoken and easy to deny.

And because you don’t live in their world of one-upmanship, you may not notice all their tactics. Which keeps you around, giving them attention. Allowing them to devalue you some more.

Intuitively you probably feel something’s off. You may feel unsettled in their presence. Or anxious, or annoyed. Why is this?

This is your intuition telling you something’s not right. Deep down you’re aware of their subtle attempts to devalue you. But most people make the fatal mistake narcissists rely on. Ignoring your gut. Which keeps you around for more of the same.

But now you know their tricks, and what they’re up to. You can look out for their subtle ways of devaluing you. And reject their indirect suggestions of superiority. And if you feel like they’re damaging to your self esteem, you know what you can do. Because ultimately they never relent.

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