Narcissists devise many underhanded tactics to stop their partners from leaving. Because they don’t want to keep them the honest way – by being good to them.
Narcissists want the best of both worlds. They want to use and abuse their partners, but they also want to keep them around to serve them. So they must devise devious ways to keep them around.
This is why many people stay in relationships with narcissists well past its sell by date. There’s so many obstacles in their way. But once you know their tactics, you’re better equipped to see through them. And navigate those obstacles, should you choose to.
Here’s how narcissists stop you from leaving…
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Love Bombing Cycle
Most narcissist relationships go through the love bombing cycle. This is where the narcissist treats their partners well at the beginning. Sometimes incredibly well. They may fake mutual interests, lavish them with gifts, and pretend to be their ideal partner.
But once the relationship is established, they gradually role out their narcissistic behaviours. And treat their partners progressively worse.
There’s a saying that if you throw a frog in boiling water, it leaps out to escape. But if you put it in warm water and gradually turn up the heat, it dies. And the same thing happens in relationships with narcissists. They gradually turn up the heat, so you barely notice the abuse.
If their partner does realise and threatens to leave, the narcissist backtracks. And returns to the love bombing phase, treating them well to reel them back in. And things are rosy – for now.
Once things settle down, the narcissist gradually treats them worse again. But this time they know the breaking point. So they aim to stop just short of this, to gain the maximum bang per buck. But usually they push their luck, overshoot, and have to return to the love bombing stage. And so the cycle continues.
This is why relationships with narcissists are often characterised by “rough patches” followed by everything being wonderful. This keeps their partners on a string, addicted to the roller-coaster of emotions. And always hopeful that the good times will soon return.
Commitments
Narcissists like to keep their partners from leaving by saddling them with as much commitment as possible. Narcissists often push their new partners to cohabit, get married, and have children.
The narcissist sells these ideas as romantic gestures. And in normal relationships they are. But with a narcissist it’s insurance. Because these commitments make it harder to leave.
And if you do leave them, these commitments give the narcissist an excuse to stay in contact. Giving them the chance to hoover you back in the future, should you be of use to them.
Guilt Tripping
Some narcissists establish a need for their partner. They may claim that their partner is the only person who understands them. Or the only person who keeps them grounded.
If the relationship is threatened, the narcissist may imply or outright claim that they can’t live without them. And this has a powerful affect.
Their empathetic partner doesn’t want blood on their hands. And may be persuaded to stay, because they don’t want anything bad happening to the narcissist. And if the narcissist finds that this tactic works, then they’ll use it every time their partner wants to leave.
Of course, you should never be held to ransom by someone threatening to hurt themselves. It’s their responsibility to look after themselves, and you can’t be with them 24/7. But if they insist, give them the details of a qualified therapist. Because they’re more skilled in this area than you.
Intimidation
Narcissists always like the upper hand in relationships. And some resort to bullying and intimidation.
This can cause some partners to feel too frightened to leave. Through fear of retaliation.
If the narcissist has a strong hold over their partner, then they don’t need to say anything. But in many cases, the narcissist may say things like “God help you if you ever leave me”. Implying there will be consequences.
Usually this is fluff. But not always. Which is why it’s often advisable for partners to disappear and go no contact once the relationship is over. Then they’re not at risk of stalking and retribution.
Future Faking
Narcissists also stop their partners from leaving by future faking. This is where they hint or directly promise things in the future.
Most narcissists are sneaky. And they find out what their partner wants, then dangles this in front of them like a carrot.
If their partner wants children, then the narcissist may keep promising this “next year”. Or if they want to move to the South of France, then they talk at length about these plans. And may even pretend to save up.
And the future faking isn’t necessarily so glamorous. Sometimes it’s just the promise of a normal life.
For instance, the narcissist may have drink or drug issues. And may keep promising to kick the habit. Causing their partner to live in hope that one day they’ll have a healthy relationship. But it’s just words to give them hope, and keep them around to serve their needs.
Isolation
Narcissists often isolate their partners from their friends and family. They may persuade them to move to a new area where they don’t know anyone. Quit their job. Or stir trouble with their friends and family, so they fall out.
Once isolated, you become more dependant on the narcissist. And this makes you less willing to walk away. Because you’re left with nobody. And they know this.
Erode Your Self Esteem
Narcissists like to bring their partners down a peg of two and slowly eat away at their self esteem.
Narcissists may dish out subtle digs that grow in intensity and regularity. Until they become blatant put downs. They may also put their partners down indirectly. Such as arriving late when meeting up. Forgetting birthdays and anniversaries. Or leaving them with all the menial tasks.
With a lack of self esteem, they’re less likely to leave. Because they feel they deserve the poor treatment. Plus they don’t believe they’re capable of attracting anyone else.
Drain Your Energy
Narcissists are energy vampires. And they steal energy from their partners.
Narcissists often leave most of the day-to-day responsibilities to their partners. Cooking, cleaning, looking after children, paying the bills etc. And over time this extra responsibility wears them down. Whilst the narcissist relaxes and conserves their energy.
This gives the narcissist an advantage, because their partners are often tired, confused, and disorientated. Allowing the narcissist to get away with more abusive behaviours, by rationalising them in confusing and cryptic ways.
Not only does a drained partner have less fight in them, they have less strength to leave. When you’re struggling to get through the day, you don’t have the stomach to deal with a messy break up.
Final Thoughts
Many narcissists use a combination of these tactics to stop their partners from leaving. And the sad thing is that their partner probably wouldn’t leave if they were treated fairly.
Most narcissists prefer to treat their partners as badly as they can get away with. Then patch up the problems with these tactics.
Narcissists don’t want a happy mutually beneficial relationship. Although they sell the idea that they do. They want to dominate their partners, use them, and drag them down into their toxic world. Then keep them there for as long as possible.
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