As you’re probably aware, nothing is simple around narcissists. They keep you confused, off balance, and unsure what’s going on. And the same goes for when they’re giving “love”.

Narcissists commonly push their partners to feel loved and unloved AT THE SAME TIME. It’s counter intuitive that this is even possible. Yet many narcissists manage it. Perhaps you’ve experienced this? How do they do it, and why?

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Why?

Narcissists like having their cake and eating it. And if they make you feel loved AND unloved, they can cherry pick the advantages of each.

The narcissist wants you to feel loved so you fall head over heels for them. This feeds their need to be adored. But it serves other benefits too.

Narcissists know that if you’re emotionally attached, you think less logically. And that allows them to get away with more.

If you’re emotionally attached, you’re less likely to leave them. And you try harder to make the relationship work. Even if the narcissist’s behaviour is causing concerns, you don’t just leave on a whim. You think long and hard about it. And this gives the narcissist chance to reel you back in, should they want to. Narcissists like to have insurance policies to keep their partners from leaving.

Another advantage of being attached is that your emotions are heightened, and logic flies out the window. You make fewer rational decisions. Making you more likely to succumb to their narcissistic manipulations. Because you’re not thinking logically.

But narcissists don’t want you getting too comfortable. So they also strive to make you feel unloved.

The narcissist hopes that if you feel unloved, you try harder to win their affections. You go that extra mile to keep things sweet. And the narcissist reaps the benefits.

You’re more likely to agree to their demands. And more likely to do things for them. Because you’re trying to gain their approval. Their goal is to take as much as they can, whilst giving as little as possible.

How do they do it? Here’s how narcissists make people feel both loved and unloved at the same time…

Actions Contradict Words

Most narcissists talk a good game when it comes to love. Many talk about being soul mates, meant to be, kindred spirits, etc. They say how they can’t live without you, how they miss you when you’re not around, etc.

They know what to do say to make you feel loved. But their actions don’t match their words.

Although you’re “soul mates”, they stand you up last minute to see their friends. They ignore you when you tell them about your day. And are always too busy to help you with anything.

Their words say they love you, but their actions don’t. Leaving you confused, and unsure of yourself. Questioning whether they love you or not.

Trauma Bond

The contradiction of feeling loved and unloved doesn’t make sense. And gets you thinking long and hard about the narcissist. Speculating, worrying, and feeling emotional. Do they love me, or don’t they? Is it me? Have I done something wrong?

Some people become addicted to the highs and lows of a narcissist relationship. And mistake this roller-coaster for love. The highs and lows get emotions and hormones pumping. Causing some to misinterpret these feelings for love.

You also grow sympathetic to the narcissist, because you share your life with them. Causing many to make excuses for their behaviours. Maybe they’re stressed, or love you so much they can’t handle it? Whatever the excuse, you kid yourself into believing they love you. But doubt lingers in the back of your mind.

And all the time you’re thinking about them. Creating more bonds in your brain. Feeling confused, unwanted…yet loved. WTF!?

Bread Crumbing

Narcissists typically blow hot and cold during relationships. Once you’re attached, they become increasingly narcissistic, and less loving. Because they know they can get away with it. But they understand they can’t be cold all the time. Because eventually you’ll probably leave them.

So narcissists throw their partners a bone every now and then. And acts kind and loving. This tops up your feelings of being loved, and keeps you where they want you – attached to them.

Narcissists learn how far to push you, without quite pushing you away. Allowing them to maximise their gains.

When a narcissist senses they’ve pushed too much, they back track. And bring out their “A Game”. Treating you as a loving partner should. Or at least something resembling that.

And because you’re starved of love and affection, you devour every morsel tossed your way. Feeling a surge of emotion for the most basic signs of care. The bar has been lowered so much, a cup of tea feels like a banquet.

The narcissists hot and cold behaviours make you feel the highs more strongly. Reinforcing the belief they love you. But the lows are also present in your psyche. Because they’re never far away. Making you feel both loved and unloved.

“I love You, But I Hate You”

Narcissists often repeat phrases that imply they both love AND hate you. I’ve literally been told, “I love you, but I hate you”. But usually they’re more subtle than this.

Narcissists may say things like, “You’re lucky to have someone like me”, implying you’re not good enough. “You’ve changed”, implying they loved your former self, but not you now.

Narcissists work hard to make you feel both loved and hated. And you’re probably not the first person they’ve done this with. So they become skilled at putting people into this confusing place.

Body Language

You may have heard that most communication is through facial expressions, gestures, and body language. Most experts agree that non verbal communication makes up around 70-90% of all communication.

And because narcissists don’t have emotional empathy, they don’t truly love anyone. And this gets peoples Spidey senses tingling.

Many people don’t “feel” loved by the narcissist. And that’s because they’re not. And subconsciously they read the body language, and other subtleties. Giving them a gut feeling they’re unloved. But at the same time, they consciously believe the narcissists rhetoric when they declare their undying love. Because why would they lie about that?

This catches them in two minds – literally. Their conscious mind feels loved because of the words they say. But their subconscious doesn’t, because of the subtle non-verbal signs.

Narcissists Black And White Thinking

Narcissists are black and white with their thinking. And as fickle as a toddler. A young child may love you to the ends of the Earth one minute. And a moment later, hate you if you don’t give them what they want. Narcissists are the same.

They see people as “all good” when things are going their way. And “all bad” when they’re not. All the good you’ve done in the past counts for nothing when they’ve painted you black.

Things you find irrelevant can be enough to set a narcissist off. Even something as trivial as passing a drink to a friend before passing one to the narcissist.

Neuro-typicals may get annoyed with their partners. But they keep things in perspective. And understand they’re not all bad. They see the grey. Narcissists flit from one extreme to the other. One minute you’re white, the next you’re black.

Final Thoughts

There’s many reasons why narcissists make their partners feel both loved and unloved. Some are deliberate conscious tactics, and others are products of their narcissism.

Often your head says they love you, but your heart says they don’t. This is because they convince your conscious mind with their words. But their actions tell your subconscious mind the opposite.

Narcissists do this to take the best of both worlds. They receive your love and loyalty, but at the same time make you work hard for their approval.

This is obviously a confusing predicament. And this confusion eats away at your confidence and self esteem. And increases your chances of suffering from mental illnesses, such as anxiety and depression.

The narcissist ultimately does this for control. The weaker you become, the more control they gain.

Someone who cares wouldn’t want you to feel loved and unloved at the same time. And wouldn’t want control over you. It’s cruel and unfair. And not what a loving partner would do.

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