Despite harsh treatment, many people become attached to narcissists. But once the dust settles at the end of a relationship, they see the light. And wonder what they ever saw in them.
Narcissists are master manipulators, with a life time of practice. And they develop numerous tactics to get people attached to them. Even though it’s not deserved.
This article reveals how narcissists get people attached to them. Allowing you to break their spell, and see through their tactics…
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Love Bombing
The first port of call is love bombing. Most narcissists love bomb at the beginning of relationships and friendships.
This is where they offer lavish praise. Tell you how great you are. And how special you are.
We’re naturally inclined to like people who like us. And if you flip things round, you’re unlikely to like someone who dislikes you.
Love bombing narcissists claim to like you A LOT. Like you’re the most amazing thing in the history of mankind. And they lay it on so thick, it’s easy to fall for them.
Narcissists are unique in their love bombing. Because they’re prepared to lie through their teeth to flatter you. And make grandiose statements that are either wildly exaggerated. Or completely made up.
Their bold statements make things seem extra special when compared to their more honest and realistic rivals. Especially if you’re a sucker for compliments.
So remember, if someone’s complimenting you to an unrealistically high degree, it’s probably insincere.
Mirror
Narcissists often mirror people to get them attached. This is where they copy them, and mirror their traits back to them.
Narcissists mirror because we tend to like people who are similar to ourselves. Generally we feel more of a connection with “like minded” people. What you don’t realise is that their compatibility is an act. They completely change their persona, depending on who’s around, and what they want to achieve.
Almost nothing is off limits for narcissists. They may copy the phrases you use. Your mannerisms. Your hobbies and interests. Even your dress sense.
Narcissists often ask lots of questions early in a relationship or friendship. And it’s easy to find this flattering, because they’re showing an interest. But their motive is to learn about you, so they know what to mirror back.
Be Who You Want Them To Be
Narcissists also learn what type of person you’re looking for in life. Then they become this person.
They may ask you questions about past friends and lovers. What you liked and disliked about them. And get a sense of the traits you find pleasing.
There’s also a fair amount of common sense involved. It’s obvious that people like others who are kind, generous and warm for example. These traits are universal in their appeal.
The narcissist acts like your ideal person. And can keep this act up for months, even years. And it’s difficult not to get attached to someone who seems so uniquely perfect for you.
Bombard Your Time
Narcissists also get people attached by bombarding themselves onto them. They may message and phone almost constantly throughout the day. Visit you all the time. Even camp out at your home for days on end.
They become so ingrained in your life that it’s difficult to imagine it without them. Because your life would be completely different if they weren’t around.
This increases the feelings of attachment towards them. Because most people don’t welcome sudden big changes in their life. And they feel safe with the “constants”.
Narcissist Trauma Bond
Trauma bonding is sometimes likened to the Stockholm Syndrome. This is where hostages in Stockholm sympathised with their captors. And became friendly with them. But trauma bonding goes further, creating the illusion of attachment.
People in relationships with narcissists often go through an emotional roller coaster of highs and lows. Largely because of the constant cycle of devaluation and love bombing. Plus the drama they bring. These highs and lows release a cocktail of hormones.
Although most of us want a peaceful life, this drama becomes strangely addictive. The exhilarating highs when they’re fun and playing nice. And the darkest lows, when you want to scream in frustration.
Adrenaline and other hormones often run high. And after a while this becomes your new normal. Leaving you feeling flat when the narcissist is away.
This causes people to wrongly assume that they’re attached to the narcissist. And feel like they can’t live without them. But really they’re addicted to the stress hormones and dopamine they provoke.
Untrustworthy
As I’m sure you’re aware, narcissists are generally untrustworthy people. And even if you buy into their rhetoric that they’d never cheat on you, something deep down knows not to trust them.
You may pass it off as paranoia, but that doesn’t help. Something makes you feel on edge when they’re not around. And subconsciously you wonder what they’re up to.
This makes you want to spend every minute you can with them. Making you clingy and jealous. Even when that’s not your normal way.
This fools people into thinking they’re attached to the narcissist. Because they feel all wrong when they’re away. What they don’t realise is that they don’t feel right because they don’t trust them.
Narcissists “Soul Mates”
Narcissists often convince their partners that they’re soul mates. Or kindred spirits, or other such terms. And it may seem like a sweet sentiment, but there’s more to it.
Narcissists consider their partners and close friends their property. And the “soul mates” label is a statement of ownership.
Narcissists know that if they convince you of a divine connection, you’ll feel more attached to them. Because it implies a unique connection that can’t be found anywhere else. And who can afford to give that up?
The narcissist doesn’t actually believe you have a special connection. But they want YOU to believe it. Which is why they cheat, lie and abuse. To them it’s another tool to keep you attached, and to keep you putting up with them.
Mind Games
Narcissists play many mind games to either make people attached, or to create the illusion that they are. And some are subtle and hard to detect.
For example if you have a deceased parent that meant everything to you, the narcissist may use this. And learn about them, and copy them as best they can. Even going as far as to wear clothes similar to theirs. Associating themselves with them.
The narcissist may subtly flirt with other people to draw them in. And create the impression that they’re well sought after. And you’re lucky to have them. When really they were provoking these responses.
They also play games pursuing you, then pulling back. Blowing hot and cold. Playing with your mind, and getting you thinking about them.
Final Thoughts
Narcissists use a combination of these tricks to get people attached. Or to create the illusion of attachment. And they do this for three main reasons.
The first is to confirm their delusions of superiority. Because if they’re as great as they think they are, then they must have people attached to confirm this.
The second is an insurance policy. Narcissists are lost without external validation. They need people telling them how great they are. Getting people attached helps keep people around them, providing them much needed fuel.
The third reason is control. If you’re more attached to the narcissist than they are to you, then they control the relationship. Because it allows them to play games such as threatening to leave. They can also get away with more narcissistic behaviours if you’re attached.
Just remember, narcissists need you more than you need them. Although they try to create the opposite impression. So if you’re being treated badly by a narcissist, you CAN walk away. Because it’s more their loss than it is yours. And once you’re free and the dust settles, this becomes abundantly clear.
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