Many narcissists have a way of flirting right in front of you. It can be overt, dressed as harmless friendly banter. Or it might be more subtle.

Either way, your gut tells you something’s wrong. But you doubt yourself.

You might not be the jealous type, but your gut is churning like a whirlpool. Is it me, am I crazy? ARE they doing something wrong? Do they know what they’re doing?

If you challenge them, of course they deny flirting. They were just being friendly. Or you’re being paranoid. And since they’ve declared their undying love for you, why would they lie?

Part of you wants to believe they’re innocent. So you make excuses for them. But another part worries they know EXACTLY what they’re doing, and you’re being played.

This puts you in a confused state. Not knowing what to think. Which is unsettling and stressful.

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Why Do They Do This?

Narcissists DO know what they’re doing! And they do it for a few reasons. First they LOVE the attention. Narcissists need attention and adoration more than most. They also love the thrill of flirting right in front of you, and getting away with it. And they also like to keep you on your toes.

Narcissists are exploitative by nature. And not interested in 50-50 relationships. By worrying you that one of their legions of fans might sweep them off their feet, they hope to keep you on your toes. And keep you serving their needs as much as possible.

If they can convince you they have a plethora of admirers, you’ll fight harder to keep them. And give them more of the things they want. Which means more for them, and less for you.

For a narcissist, flirting is a win-win-win. They gain attention, AND extract more out of you. And get a buzz doing so. Narcissists like to maximise what they get out of people. And subtle flirting is one of their tools.

How do they do it? Here’s some of the ways narcissists flirt in front of you and get away with it…

Be Uber Friendly

Narcissists might be extra friendly to one particular person – all night. They lavish them with praise. Laugh at all their jokes. And pay them lots of attention.

And whilst they don’t do anything wrong, you can’t help but notice they’re extra friendly to this singled out person.

And of course, what’s wrong with being friendly? It’s difficult to call them out on this. You can’t say “How dare you be so friendly!” So you bite your tongue and ignore those alarm bells.

Stand A Little Too Close

I’ve noticed that narcissists sometimes stand a little closer to people as a subtle way of flirting. Whilst it’s not ridiculously close, it’s enough to send your Spidey senses tingling.

But again it’s difficult to call them out. How can you complain they’re standing 6 inches closer than protocol dictates? Body language is incredibly subtle. And some narcissists are experts at playing on this.

Make Eye Contact Longer Than Normal

Narcissists use subtle eye contact to flirt. Lingering a glance just a split second longer than normal. Again the difference between “normal” and flirting is subtle. A split second.

Narcissists know these things are difficult to call out. And even if you do, they’re happy. Because now they know how to make you jealous. Narcissists love knowing how to get a reaction from people. It makes them feel powerful. As they know they can use this whenever they choose.

And if they’re lucky, you might cause a public scene. And whilst they’ll never admit it, narcissists LOVE two people publicly fighting over them. This shows the world how great they are.

Touchy Feely

Narcissists also use subtle touch to flirt. Whilst they don’t touch anywhere intimate, they touch more than normal interactions. Combine this with standing closer and prolonged eye contact, and a lot of signals get through.

And even if you don’t notice them consciously, you do subconsciously. Something feels wrong. And you can’t quite put your finger on it.

Make An Excuse To Swap Numbers

A narcissist might find a “mutual” interest with someone, and think it’s a great idea to swap numbers. Right in front of you. And because it’s done so openly, it MUST be innocent, right?

This leaves you with divided opinions. On the surface it seems OK, but should they do that? And would they be happy if you did the same? And would you feel OK if you did that to them?

This rightly leads to confusion. You don’t want to be a controlling Nazi, telling them can’t make friends. But you don’t like them collecting phone numbers either.

I remember once waiting in a taxi rank with my ex. And she popped outside and ended up talking to a bunch of younger lads. After a while she returned with one of their phone numbers, saying “I’ve just joined their band.”

Lord knows whether they were just talking about music. But should a married woman behave like this?

Alcohol

Alcohol or drugs are often a good ally for narcissists. As they serve many purposes. And one is an excuse for their behaviour.

If your narcissist partner was acting flirty whilst drinking, you naturally put it down to the drink. It was just the drink talking. It wasn’t really them.

Whilst you might not be happy, they were drunk. So you give them a free pass. They probably didn’t know what they were doing, right?

Final Thoughts

If you’re in a relationship with a narcissist and your gut tells you they’re flirting, they probably are. And they DO know what they’re doing. Look out for the tricks I’ve described in this article.

It’s all part of their game to get you paranoid. So they can control and manipulate you. You feel pain and jealousy, which you may mistake for intense feelings of love. And you worry about losing them. And this can make you more eager to please.

This allows them to demand more from you. More money, more favours, and more of whatever floats their boat.

Contrary to popular opinion, not all narcissists are cheaters. Some are, and some aren’t.

It’s difficult to catch someone actually cheating. So the question is, can you live with the flirting?

If you can’t, and you’ve spoken to them and they won’t stop, then you must question your relationship. If it’s causing you more stress and anxiety than it’s worth, then perhaps it’s time to move on.

A romantic relationship is about opening yourself up, and allowing yourself to be vulnerable. That person shouldn’t abuse this by deliberately causing you anxiety by subtle flirting. Especially when their aim is to extract more from you than is fair.

If you’ve talked about how it makes you feel and they continue, then how much do they really care about you? Relationships are supposed to be 50/50. Or at least somewhere approaching that. If someone is deliberately causing you pain, just to serve their needs, are they really worth holding on to?

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