Most narcissists need attention far more than the average person. It’s their life blood. Which is why many don’t stay single for long.
When one relationship ends, most narcissists quickly move on to another. They’re often able to do this because they build a harem of admirers and/or lovers. And use this harem as a back up, should their primary relationship break down.
Other narcissists build harems because they want multiple partners. Either simultaneously, or in quick succession. They love the attention, and believe that normal rules don’t apply to them. So they’re entitled to cheat with who they like, when they like.
Being in a harem obviously isn’t good for the participants. Their life is usually put on hold. They have to share the narcissist. And are usually treated poorly. So how do narcissists keep people in their harem?
From my observations, here’s how narcissists build and maintain their harems of lovers and admirers…
Please Check Out This Short Video To Aid Your Understanding…
Sob Stories
Narcissists often attract affairs with sob stories. They may claim their current partner is abusive. Or that their partner cheats on them. Often projecting their own abusive ways.
This gives them an alibi for why they want an affair. An alibi is important, because they want to appear honest and decent. Because there’s more to be gained if their affair trusts them. And it’s difficult to trust a serial cheater.
Narcissists usually claim to their affairs that they’re not sleeping with their primary partner. Giving their affair the sense that they’re the only one in a real relationship with the narcissist. Which encourages them to stick around as a bit part in the narcissists life. Believing they have a leading role.
Some narcissists have multiple affairs, whilst having a primary partner. And these affairs usually know about the primary partner. Not out of honesty, but out of necessity. But they usually have no idea about other affairs the narcissist is engaged in.
Narcissists often paint the picture of being a poor downtrodden victim. Who can’t or won’t leave their abusive partner, or loveless marriage. And instead seek refuge of an uncharacteristic affair.
On-Off Relationships
Many narcissists engage in on-off relationships. And they may do this with multiple partners.
This allows them to blur the lines between when one relationship ends, and another begins. Allowing them to see two or more people at the same time, or in close succession.
Even if they don’t cheat, these on-off relationships have their benefits. They allow the narcissist to jump between relationships at a whim. Giving them drama, excitement, and variety. And it puts the narcissist in a powerful position, because if one partner isn’t giving them what they want, they can quickly trade them in for another who will.
Some narcissists enjoy the power of picking people up, then putting them down. Having control over when one relationship begins and another ends. And having what they perceive as the adoration of many people.
Narcissists view people as commodities to be used. So even when the relationship is “off”, they still consider them their property. And therefore part of their harem. Ready to be picked up if and when needed.
Babies
Some narcissists use babies to build their harems. In a nutshell they have babies with as many people as possible. Because once they’ve had their child, they’re pretty much obliged to stay in contact for 18 years.
The narcissist can disappear, then reappear into their lives “for the sake of the children”. And they have a legal and arguably moral obligation to allow this.
The narcissist then has a chance to work their charm. And either get back with them for a while, or use them for sex.
“Friends”
Narcissists often have many “friends” who are the opposite sex (assuming they’re heterosexual). And these friends are often less attractive than the narcissist, and have a secret crush on them.
The narcissist knows this and plays on it. And even though they’re in a relationship, the narcissist subtly flirts with their “friends”. And leads them to believe there might be a chance in the future.
This keeps them on the back burner, just in case the narcissist finds themselves single. And in the meantime their adoring friends provide them with attention, adoration, and favours. So it’s a good investment.
Narcissists may also play their friends off against each other. Getting them to compete for their attention. They may show off gifts that other friends bought them. Or give details of nights out paid for by their other friends. Encouraging competition in the generosity stakes.
The narcissist may also use their friends to make their primary partner jealous. Just to keep them on their toes. Subtly encouraging their partner to up their game, or risk losing them.
High Profile Jobs
Some narcissists target high profile jobs. Because this gives them a greater ability to build harems.
They may become involved in music, acting, politics, or even medicine. Because they’re seen as powerful and high status. And it enhances their chances of attracting more partners.
A high profile job also makes them appear safe. Because if they’re well known, then people feel safe with them. So they’re more likely to drop their guard, allowing the narcissist to get away with their shenanigans.
It’s no coincidence that there’s many celebrity narcissists. And many are serial cheaters with big harems to call on. It’s probably what motivated them to become a celebrity in the first place.
Younger Participants
Narcissists often target younger people to join their harems. Because younger people are more naĂŻve and easier to fool. Plus it’s an ego trip to attract someone younger.
The narcissist may have an affair with a younger person, who knows they’re already in a relationship. Then string them along, to keep them in the position of secondary partner. And younger people are more likely to fall for the narcissists excuses, because they’re not as worldly wise.
Selection
Being younger isn’t the only selection consideration for a harem. Narcissists often select people who are kind, giving, and overly forgiving. And typically have lower self esteem.
This makes them more willing to take the narcissists bad treatment. Because they forgive their transgressions. Plus they don’t believe they deserve better treatment.
This allows the narcissist to blow hot and cold. Safe in the knowledge they’re always welcomed back with open arms.
Future Faking
Future faking is where someone promises something in the future. Either directly or impliedly. With no intention of delivering.
The aim is to keep someone hanging on for this future prize. And string them along as long as possible.
When it comes to keeping affairs, the most obvious future fake is to promise to end things with their current partner “soon”. Then dangle the carrot, and talk about the wonderful life you’ll one day have. But they use excuses, such as waiting for children to grow up, to explain why now is not the time.
The narcissist may keep several people on a string like this. They find what each individual wants, then promises this back to them. If they want children, then it’s “next year”. If they want to move abroad, then they promise this as soon as finances allow. And may even pretend to save up.
Future faking is particularly rotten, as it wastes the other person’s life. Because they’re waiting for something they want. Believing it’s on its way. But they’re actually never getting anywhere.
Final Thoughts
These are just a few ways narcissists build and maintain harems. And like I said earlier, their harems are created to provide attention, back up plans, and sometimes multiple relationships.
Narcissists need attention and adoration. And harems of admirers provides this. Regardless of whether they stray into the realms of affairs, or stick within the confines of casual flirtations.
Narcissists need people for attention and validation. Yet they also see them as commodities to be used. So building and maintaining harems makes perfect sense. Their lack of empathy means they don’t care about wasting other peoples lives. They’re too busy focussing on what they want.
If you think you’re in a harem, then it’s wise to make a swift exit. Because whilst you’re waiting around for the narcissist, life passes you by. And there’s only one person who really benefits from this arrangement. And it’s not you.
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Why Narcissists Have Affairs