Thanks for your comment Mark. I agree people with NPD should be treat with compassion, like everyone else should be. I’ve worked professionally with many sufferers over the past 18 years. And we work with them patiently and compassionately. With an understanding of why they do some of the things they do.

Understanding their behaviours helps us work with them much better. And not be as “offended” and therefore hostile by some of the things they say and do. I’ve written an article about getting the best out of narcissists, which can be found at this link – http://narcissisms.com/how-to-get-the-best-out-a-narcissist/ Also another about coping better with them in the workplace – http://narcissisms.com/how-to-cope-with-a-narcissist-in-your-workplace/

I’m not here to encourage hate towards them. But that said, I feel it’s also important to discuss the realities of narcissists and their behaviours. More than probably any other mental illness, NPD affects others in a detrimental way. And can cause long lasting psychological damage to those around them. The more aware narcissists I’ve talked to know and accept this.

Many people who were or are in relationships with narcissists don’t even realise it. And from reading up on their behaviours they can identify that they may be dealing with one. And this is important. Narcissists are often very adept at blending in. And largely appearing to be neurotypical. They have a range of tactics to achieve this, and some are damaging, such as blaming their own behaviours on others, and gas lighting.

Many experts believe that although around 1% of the population are diagnosed with NPD, there are more likely to be about 5-7% that actually suffer from it. That’s a lot of damaged people undiagnosed. And a lot of people that can potentially harm others.

Whilst I agree that lay people cannot go around diagnosing people, for the sake of self empowerment, it helps some people tremendously. It helps with the healing of past relationships, if they were blamed for everything that went on. It helps those that were gas lighted for years, who did not realise what was really going on.

The mental health system is simply not picking up on many NPD sufferers and helping them or their loved ones.

Whilst I agree the sufferers of NPD should be treated with compassion, so should the victims.

Narcissists often abuse in subtle physiological ways. And you can fooled into not realising you were abused. This hampers peoples recovery. More information and awareness helps. It’s helped me tremendously with my own healing. And I know it’s helped plenty of others.

I do agree that there should be no hate towards people with NPD. They have a mental illness. And hating them only adds fuel to the fire. We have a choice once we realise what we’re dealing with. To find ways to manage them, or to go no contact. I just hope that in the future the mental health system becomes more able to identify and help these people. But at the moment they seem a long way off. Which is why people are flocking for content about narcissism.

I’m not trying to down play what a True narcissist can do to a person/people. But there are more Articles written about this subject by armchair Researchers than actually articles by mental health professionals. They are all over the place. I can’t remember the last time a day went by when I haven’t seen some sort of article about dealing with or getting away from a narcissist. While getting away from a true narcissist is with out a doubt the best thing one can do for themselves. These articles have created a culture that “assigns” that diagnosis to anyone that a persons may have had a really bad relationship (from coworkers to best friends and partners). It actually is allowing people to give in to the narcissist inside of us all.

A few years ago it was popular for the layperson to assign bipolar disorder to others and before that it was popular to jokingly say “I’m just a little bipolar” in response to ones own irrational behavior. Which is actually less productive than walking around saying “I have Coronavirus”. At least then more people would give you the distance that’s needed to keep others save.

Mental health problems are a very real problem in this world. And one thing that is never said about narcissists is that they are in fact mentally ill. We are under no obligation to stay near a person that feeds of us, or a person that we just plain don’t like. There is no reason and it is of no benefit to society for us to fulfill our need to not feel guilty about distancing ourselves from people we don’t get along with. If you have a friend, coworker or acquaintance that mixes like oil and water with you it is not a sign that one or both of you are narcissists. Believe it or not 90% of your exes are NOT narcissists…the relation was volatile because we are all assholes in some way.

Mental health disorders are treated like AIDS was treated in the early 1980s. Every sick person whether the illness in physical or mental deserves compassion. Narcissists are with out a doubt the hardest to help. They are on a par with someone suffering with addiction. The first step in the treatment of any mental illness is accepting that you have one. It is very hard to do that when society stigmatizes the mentally ill. One could go as far to say that doing so is very narcissistic. It is hard to heal from any illness with out compassion. If you feel the closest you can get compassion is distancing yourself from someone you cannot possibly get along with that’s understandable. There is no need to label someone as ill. We are all unbearably offensive to someone. It is usually a sub clinical trait and as human as it gets. If you are in a relation ship with a true narcissist and they are fixated on you, get away. Get far away. But that person is that way because they were criminally neglected and/or abused. As offensive as they are to you narcissism comes from a place of pain that in most cases goes far beyond the way they make you feel. They had no way to get away. They could not advocate for themself because there was no one around who would listen in the first place. If there was it would have been dangerous to advocate for themselves. Narcissists were raised by narcissists. Their narcissism was in the making from day one. It is not your responsibility to deal with it. 99% of people aren’t equipped emotionally or professionally to deal with or try to help a narcissists. It is okay to leave. It is best you leave. But if you do so with a compassionate mind and heart you will heal faster and maybe so will that narcissists. Lie with other personality disorders narcissists don’t know there is something wrong with them. It is beyond denial. They don’t even realize the kind of pain they are in. Picture them as the child they were when it all began, and walk away knowing that you are okay while wanting them to be/get okay. There is no need to scour the internet for validation on severing your ties with a toxic relationship. But if your are in real danger do not worry about being compassionate towards anyone until you are safe. Let the compassion come when your are ready to heal. The point I’m trying to make with having compassion for others is, For the most part, best said my the Buddha to King Pasenadi and Queen Mallikā:

Searching all directions
with your awareness,
you find no one dearer
than yourself.
In the same way, others
are dear to themselves.
So you shouldn’t hurt others
if you love yourself.