Narcissists, particularly overt narcissists, are known for being the life and soul of the party. They’re lively, charming, and take centre stage. They have a plethora of stories that amuses and entertains. And have a captivated audience doubled over in stitches. So clearly they have a sense of humour, yes?
From my observations, no. Narcissists may APPEAR to have a good sense of humour. But they actually don’t. Here’s why…
Narcissists develop strategies to fit in and appear neuro-typical. And humour is one of the areas narcissists become experts at faking.
Narcissists want to be loved and admired. And they want to fit in. So they fake a sense of humour to use when it suits. Narcissists can be very serious about their humour!
Here’s how narcissists fake a sense of humour. And the clues that reveal their true lack of humour…
Please Check Out This Short Video To Aid Your Understanding…
Pre scripted Stories
Narcissists often tell the same stories over and over again. If you’ve known a narcissist a while, you hear them re-hash the same stories. It can be grating hearing the same story a thousand times, whilst new acquaintances are mesmerised by their supposed “humour”.
The narcissist may have heard someone tell these stories, or seen them on TV. They understand that these stories receive a positive reaction. So they memorise them as their own. And regurgitate them when the occasion arises.
Sometimes it’s a genuine story that received a laugh. Usually about how they got the better of someone. So they add it to their repertoire. And repeat it verbatim whenever they want to impress.
Telling a pre scripted story doesn’t require a sense of humour. It takes memory and confidence. And past experience tells the narcissist that this story is a “go to”. So they wheel it out when they want to gain kudos.
Tell Jokes
Some narcissists tell jokes. Whether they’re long jokes, or shorter “dad jokes”. But this works in a similar way to funny stories.
It doesn’t take a good sense of humour to tell a joke. Again it takes memory and confidence. And if you know the narcissist a while, it’s apparent they don’t update their material!
Imitation And Mimicry
Some narcissists are good at imitation and mimicry. And can accurately perform voices and actions of characters on TV and film. Or recite dialogues down to a tee. This isn’t surprising.
Narcissists spend a lot of time mirroring neuro-typicals to fit in and to pretend to have something in common. So they develop good mimicry skills. But that’s all it is, a skill.
It doesn’t take a sense of humour to copy funny characters. But the result can be funny. Which fools people into thinking the narcissist has a good sense of humour. And they may role out their “act” when there’s a large audience around to appreciate it.
Narcissists Aren’t Spontaneous With Humour
For someone to have a genuine sense of humour, they must be capable of creating jokes on the fly. This involves saying something funny about what’s going on right now. And thinking on your feet.
Narcissists aren’t creative with their humour. They simply don’t “get it”. So they may opt out, or tell bad jokes when being spontaneous. Or switch the conversation back to their comfort zones of pre thought out lines.
Try Too Hard
Narcissists sometimes try too hard to gain a laugh. And this makes things awkward. Humour is supposed to be relaxed and spontaneous. But narcissists sometimes force it. And may stare at people expectantly, demanding their laugh. And usually their polite audience obliges.
If someone doesn’t laugh, then the narcissist might issue a put down, dressed as a joke. And watch them squirm. This serves as a punishment for not laughing. And sends out a warning to anyone who dares not to laugh. Now laugh, damn you!
One-Upmanship
If someone in the group is funny, the narcissist may take this as them stealing THEIR limelight. If the narcissist needs to impress, then they might keep quiet. For instance if their boss is telling the joke. And instead quietly seethe to themselves. But if they’re feeling alpha…
The narcissist might intimidate the person by telling them their joke isn’t funny. Giving them an icy stare as the tell the joke. Or even give away the punchline before they reach the end. And put them on the spot.
Narcissists Laugh At Others Misfortune
Most narcissists like laughing at someone else’s misfortune. They might have tripped over. Or spilt something on themselves for example.
Narcissists like the fact that someone has made a fool of themselves. Because it makes them feel superior. And whilst everyone else might find the situation mildly amusing, the narcissist is doubled over in fits of laughter.
Narcissists are usually the first to laugh at someone’s misfortune. But they don’t find it so funny when the boots on the other foot.
Self Depreciating Humour
Most narcissists don’t do self depreciating humour. The narcissist expects to be admired and looked up to. So they don’t want to tarnish their carefully crafted image by pointing out their own flaws. That would be suicide. But some do occasionally partake in self depreciating humour.
The narcissist may do this with the expectation that people will leap to their defence. “No, you’re actually quite good looking!” And if no one rescues them, they may sulk for a while.
Comedy
Most narcissists don’t enjoy much comedy. But some like slap stick style humour. Probably for the same reasons as they enjoy laughing at others misfortunes. It makes them feel powerful and competent, in comparison to the buffoonery on display.
Some narcissists fake laughing at TV shows when the canned laughter guides them. Especially if around company they want to impress.
If the narcissist is at home with their family, then they’re not normally looking to impress. And might deride the humour for being infantile or lacking in intelligence.
They don’t really understand it, and don’t want to be exposed. So they ruin it for everyone else.
Put Downs
Narcissists often disguise snide comments and put downs as “jokes”. But the clue is in their intention.
The narcissist WANTS the recipient to feel hurt and humiliated. They want to win, not have fun. And if you watch them carefully, most of their “humour” has a power and control element to it.
A person intending a joke wants the other person to laugh WITH them. And if they over step the mark, they apologise and don’t say it again. Narcissists usually dismiss complaints as the person “being soft”. Or “can’t take a joke”. And repeat the same “joke” in the future, knowing it causes offence.
Laugh When They’ve Exerted Power Or Control
When a narcissist successfully puts someone down and makes them squirm, they feel a surge of power. Aren’t I great! Gaining feelings of euphoria. Which causes them to laugh like a crazed Bond villain. Wahahaha!
But I would argue that this isn’t humour. It’s an intense feeling of power, control and euphoria, that’s bursting to get out.
Narcissists live to one-up people. And to prove how powerful they are. Which is why they usually wait until there’s a large audience present before dishing out the put downs.
Laugh Inappropriately
Narcissists sometimes laugh hysterically at something that’s barely a joke. The person telling the joke may be overwhelmed by the over the top response. But feel flattered, so don’t think too much about it .
This illustrates the narcissist faking a sense of humour. They sometimes pretend to find things funny, to fit in, or to flatter. But they can get it wrong, and laugh too much at the wrong thing. Leaving people shifting nervously, thinking, “OK, calm down.”
When They’re The Butt Of The Joke
Although narcissists love to put others down with their unique brand of “humour”, they hate it when they’re the butt of the joke.
If they’re around people they want to impress, they might quietly seethe to themselves. And maybe even pretend to enjoy it. But if you look at their face, it tells a different story.
Narcissists often get angry at jokes at their expense. Even if they’ve been dishing out the same treatment to someone else. And may lash out, or storm off in a huff.
Final Thoughts
As with many aspects of their life, narcissists become experts at faking humour. They may understand logically when to say a certain thing to get a laugh. So they rinse and repeat. Which is why they recycle the same jokes and impressions over and over.
Instead of enjoying humour for the sake of it, narcissists use it as a tool for gaining supply, and for one-upmanship. They pull out their A material if they want to impress. And DECIDE whether to laugh if others tell a joke. Rather than laugh impulsively.
If you observe a narcissist laughing, it usually looks and sounds forced. And often it takes them a second or two to decide whether to laugh. The decision is usually based on whether they want to flatter, or put down the person telling the joke. Or whether they tactically want to be in a good or bad mood.
Narcissists often use “humour” to put people down. Where they disguise insults as jokes. But Lord help anyone who dares make a joke at their expense.
As with most things, humour is used as a tool to get what they want. Rather than enjoyed for what it is. Humour may be a bit of harmless fun to you and me. But to a narcissist, it’s no joke.
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Man how well I know the snide put downs. And have heard every story a bajillion times. And I swear I have heard every joke just about as many times.
They certainly are funny . They story telling effort put in and their character is hilarious and yes usually at the expense of another . You see that’s where I fall down anyone that can make me laugh . However I will and do know red flags now . The poor my love me save me told very early on . Except one of mine was never like that . Just funny and also at expense of himself too . When he was involved in an incident. Have you done a red flags 🚩 article ? One of mine loved to watch certain shows over and over . Yes funny after a while not so . Also copied other ppls lines actually . Quite a lot
Yes, I think it’s because we start to see through their humour after a while. I actually haven’t done a specific article on red flags Rachel. I have written one about why we often ignore the red flags. (http://narcissisms.com/why-do-we-ignore-narcissist-red-flags) But not about the red flags themselves. I’ll get to work!
So yesterday the thing came home and accused me of being a mean person to them . When I asked how, he just sat there staring at me and then this morning actually acted like nothing happened. What is the best way to handle this?
It sounds like you handled it in the best way Connie. If you had argued with him, you’d have been stressed out. And he’d have learnt a new way to provoke a reaction from you. So he would keep doing it. Calmly asking him how, then moving on is about as best you could have done!
It’s also clear that you didn’t take his accusation seriously. So I’m guessing you don’t feel guilty and aren’t running around trying to appease him. Grey rock!
Thank you I am trying to get away from him as soon as I can. I try to ignore him as much as possible. He used to get me riled up so bad.
Covert narcs are slightly different. His humor was more self depreciating so that I would say, that’s not true! He also never ever laughed at any of my jokes. He would actually ignore me and I would be laughing hysterically by myself.