It’s tricky to fathom whether your parent is a narcissist. The way they act is all you know. It’s normal to YOU. Especially since you’ve known them from year dot.
You naturally have feelings towards your parent. Even if they weren’t the greatest. They still brought you into this world. So it can be difficult to recognise and admit they’re a narcissist.
I was raised by one narcissist parent, and one who wasn’t. It took me well into adulthood before I realised how unusual the parenting was. I kinda knew at the time, but didn’t appreciate the full extent.
Here’s a few things I picked up as signs a parent is a narcissist. See if you recognise any of these…
Please Check Out This Short Video To Aid Your Understanding…
Narcissist Parents Compete With You
Narcissist parents blur the lines between the parent-child relationship. And they compete with their children.
A normal neurotypical parent is proud of their children’s achievements. They’re happy for them to grow up into good looking, intelligent, and capable young adults.
But narcissist parents see this as a challenge to their superiority. THEY want to be the greatest. So they rubbish their children’s achievements. And compare them unfavourably with their own exaggerated triumphs.
You might be fooled into thinking it’s their clumsy attempt to encourage you to push harder. Nope… they’re just competing with you. Despite it being their own children, the narcissist still wants to be top dog.
Narcissist Parents Treat You Differently Publicly
Narcissist parents put their children down in private, for the reasons I’ve just mentioned. But in public they treat you differently. They’re attentive, positive, and encouraging. This can naturally be confusing for a child.
The reason they do this is because it’s more important for them to be SEEN as a good parent, than to BE one. They’re happy putting on a public show of being a great parent. But can’t be bothered doing it in private.
In their mind, there’s nothing to be gained from being nice without an audience. They’re only nice because they want to be admired by others for being a good parent.
They’re Not Interested In Your Dreams
Narcissist parents see their children as extensions of themselves. And to serve THEM. The child’s dreams and ambitions are irrelevant.
Narcissist parents can be heavy handed with what they expect from their child. They don’t encourage them to follow their dreams. They encourage them to do as they’re told. And do what makes the parent look good. “No child of mine is going to be an actor. You’re going to be a Doctor.”
Either Controlling Or Neglectful
There’s two types of narcissist parents. One that constantly pokes their noses into your life. The other that is neglectful and distant. Which, depends on where their focus lies in their life.
If they’re focussed on their work, social life etc. they probably don’t find much time to focus on you. But if they have a void in their life, and they’re bored, they might focus too much. Becoming overbearing and controlling.
Narcissist parents may switch between these positions, depending on what’s going on at the time. They forget about you and under-parent if they have plenty going on. And control you and over-parent when they don’t.
Your Accomplishments Were Down To Them
Narcissist parents like to take the credit for their children’s accomplishments. If you listen carefully, they praise themselves, rather than the child. Yep, their child’s achievements are all about THEM.
“Yes he gets his analytical mind from me.”
They sometimes appear to be praising their child. But really they’re showing off. Often playing one-upmanship with other parents. Look at how they act towards you, rather than what they say to others.
They Had A Favourite Child
Narcissist parents often have a “golden child”. One who is clearly the favourite.
The golden child gets the positive attention, gifts, and accolades. There’s ten pictures of them in prime position in the living room. And only one of the other children, hidden in a dusty corner.
The golden child can do no wrong. And lives by a different set of rules to the rest of their siblings.
Pit Their Children Against Each Other
Narcissist parents often play their children against each other. They sometimes stir trouble between them just for fun. Narcissists like the feeling of power they gain by causing arguments. And they’ll happily do this amongst their own children.
They also do this for a “divide and conquer” tactic. Narcissists want to be the one in charge. And they know they have more power if their children are divided.
A narcissist parent may bribe their “golden child” to report on the rest. The golden child doesn’t want to lose their golden status, so they obediently comply.
The rest of the children compete amongst themselves to become the golden child. And the narcissist parent sits there dangling the carrot, and pulling the strings.
Narcissists Make Their Children Need Them
Narcissist parents don’t want self reliant and empowered children. They like their children to NEED them. That way they’re always available to provide them with attention.
Narcissist parents don’t teach their children life skills. Instead they put them down and chip away at their self esteem. Some mollycoddle in order to de-skill them.
They want their children to be needy, shy, and withdrawn. Then they criticise them for ”being useless”, which makes them feel powerful. Plus they know they won’t stray too far. Someone lacking in confidence is far more controllable.
Some narcissist parents “help” their children save money. But it’s a con. It’s to control the purse strings.
Narcissist parents control their money under the guise of “looking after it” for them. And use this as leverage should they dare think about things like getting married, leaving home etc. They have the power to refuse them their own money. A power they WILL use.
Some parents play the victim with their children. And play on their age or illnesses, in order to keep them around. They deny their children a fulfilling life of their own, in order to keep them around to serve their own needs.
You Listen To THEIR Problems
In normal parent-child relationships, the parent predominantly listens to the child’s problems. They’re available for emotional support should the child need it. But with a narcissist parent, this is often reversed.
The child has the role of listening to their parents problems. The narcissist, even though they’re the parent, still makes this relationship about THEM. I must have spent thousands of hours in the past, listening to my dad’s issues about work!
Do As I Say, Not As I Do!
Narcissist parents rarely lead by example. They spend too much money, Drink too much. Stay up late. And do whatever they want. But they preach the complete opposite.
Narcissists can’t be bothered to show their children how best to behave. They know it’s easier to talk a good game, than to live it.
Final Thoughts
Narcissist parents find it difficult focussing on their children’s needs. They usually fall into bad habits, focussing on themselves.
When they are nice, it’s usually for a reason. And the reason is often to make THEM look good.
Some try to stop their child from going out into the world and making their own life. They do this by de-powering them in a number of ways. If you suspect your parent is a narcissist, don’t despair. All is not lost.
Narcissists are never totally straightforward. But you CAN learn to manage them better. And set firm boundaries in order for them to respect YOUR life choices. Please check out my article bellow on how to get the best out of a narcissist…
Please CLICK HERE To Learn How To Get The Best Out Of A Narcissist
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