You’re at the end of your tether with the narcissist. But at the same time, you don’t want to break up your family.

Of course, the narcissist claims they’ll change. And as much as you’d like to believe them, you have your doubts.

In another scenario, you’ve split with the narcissist, and they contact you months later. Saying they’ve been working on themselves. And they’re a new person. What do you do?

Can narcissists change? Or do you cut your losses and walk away?

In this article, I’ll discuss whether narcissists can change…

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Temporary Changes

Narcissists CAN make temporary changes. And we see this all the time.

They push their partners until they eventually snap. Then play the nice act to get them back on side. Before gradually reintroducing their narcissistic behaviours.

This happens ALL THE TIME. In fact, it’s the blueprint for many narcissist relationships.

Narcissists also show they can play nice during the early love bombing stages of a relationship. When they’re trying to impress. But this isn’t sustained in the long term. Because once their feet are under the table, there’s no need to be so nice. So the narcissist switches from dream partner to nightmare.

We know that narcissists can change in the short term. But that’s not what we’re looking for. Can narcissists make PERMANENT changes?

Therapy

For narcissists to stand any chance of changing, they MUST go to therapy. They’ve stayed the same without it. So why would they change now?

Narcissists need A LOT of work. And this work has to take place at the core of their being. Which requires a lot of time, patience, and expertise. It’s virtually impossible to do this alone.

There’s a saying that if you keep doing the same things, you reap the same results. And this applies to changing narcissists behaviours. They must have a framework to help them change. But therapy is no guarantee they’ll change.

Unsuccessful Therapy

Sometimes the narcissists partner insists on therapy. And if they want to stay in the relationship, they may reluctantly agree.

In this situation, the narcissist is only attending as a means to an end. To keep the relationship. So they’re unlikely to be fully committed.

In this case, the narcissist may manipulate the therapist. Particularity if they’re not experienced with narcissists. And may pretend to be committed, just to keep everyone happy.

The narcissist may also take the opportunity to bend the truth. And paint the picture of them being the victim. Blaming their partner for the relationship problems. Which means they gain nothing from their sessions.

Narcissist Blames The Therapist

Narcissists find therapy incredibly difficult. Because they must look deep within themselves. And admit they’re flawed.

Both of these are highly distressing to narcissists. Because their wounded inner child doesn’t want challenging. And they don’t want to uncover their flaws. Because a major part of narcissism involves shielding away from these things.

So it’s common for narcissists to quit therapy, as they can’t handle it. But of course, they don’t shoulder the blame. Instead they blame the therapist.

They may claim the therapist was rude. Or they weren’t qualified enough. Anything to pass the blame, and avoid facing their demons.

The narcissist may claim they’re better working things out for themselves. Or they may flatter you, and say you’re the only one that can help them. But if you’re not a highly qualified therapist who fully understands narcissism, then you can’t. And in any case, “therapy” with a partner is never a good idea.

If the narcissist has an ineffective therapist, then it’s fine to change. But they shouldn’t abandon therapy altogether. Because that shows a lack of commitment. And failure to change is virtually guaranteed.

Effective Therapy For Narcissists

In a limited set of circumstance, therapy CAN help. But it NEVER waves a magic wand and “cures” them.

At best, therapy reduces their narcissistic behaviours. So they decrease in frequency and severity. But they won’t be eliminated. So they’ll resurface from time to time.

The first crucial element is the narcissist must be genuinely committed to change. This usually happens when they’ve lost everything. Or are at the brink of it. Then the narcissist may realise it’s in their best interests to change.

And even then, the narcissist must attend therapy for years. Probably for the rest of their life, if they’re going to make significant lasting changes.

Therapist Must Thoroughly Understand Narcissism

To have any chance of succeeding, the therapist must have a thorough understanding of narcissism. Because if they don’t, then the therapy is doomed to fail.

The therapist cannot treat the narcissist the same as someone without a personality disorder. Because they’d be sitting ducks. The narcissist will smell their “weakness”. And almost certainly take advantage of it.

A therapist must appreciate the narcissists different ways of thinking. They must know that they have very little emotional empathy. So must work on getting them to pause, and think things through. And give them as many tools as possible to compensate for their deficiencies.

Expecting them to respond the same as a neuro-typical isn’t possible. But sadly, under qualified therapists do this all the time.

Final Thoughts

The chances of a narcissist making permanent meaningful changes are extremely low. And it’s a long slow process if they do.

The narcissist must be fully on board. And not just attend to appease you. And it must be with a suitably qualified therapist, who thoroughly understands narcissism.

If they have problems with the therapist, are they committed to finding another one? Because if they’re not, then it’s likely they’re looking for a way out. Which is exceedingly common.

Also, does the narcissist continue therapy if you no longer insist on it? Or if you split up? Because if they don’t, then they’re not committed. Because this shows it’s just a means to an end.

The narcissist must be at a point where they KNOW they must change to lead a better life. And see the pain, effort, and sacrifice as worth it. Because then they may do the work necessary for change. As ultimately, only they can do it.

So you’ve got to ask yourself, with all these obstacles – is it worth the gamble? Because the odds are stacked heavily against them changing for good. And on top of this, it’s a hell of a long ride.

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