Sometimes narcissists seem caring and empathetic. They may help a colleague at work. Be super romantic, especially in the early stages of a relationship. Or bend over backwards for their boss.
And other times they’re cold and uncaring. Does this mean that narcissists have empathy? Or do they have it sometimes? What’s going on?!
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Cognitive Empathy
Narcissists DO possess cognitive empathy. This is where they logically understand how you’re probably feeling.
They cognitively know when they insult you it causes upset. And when they disappear for a few days, you worry.
A narcissists cognitive empathy helps regulate some of their behaviours. Because they know right from the wrong. And they know their actions affect others. The problem is they don’t possess emotional empathy.
Emotional Empathy
Emotional empathy is where someone FEELS for others. It’s not a conscious logical thought like cognitive empathy. It’s instinctive.
For instance, you see a friend take a tumble. And you wince before they even hit the ground, anticipating their pain. Emotional empathy is rapid and automatic, because it requires no conscious thought.
In another example, a friend may fail their driving test. You see how upset they are, and feel upset too. Almost like it’s happened to you. And you instantly know how to treat them, because you feel it too.
Emotional empathy helps you understand others. And act in an appropriate and considerate ways. Because you FEEL what they’re feeling. And these feelings have a powerful effect on your behaviour.
The Problem With Having No Emotional Empathy
Emotional empathy happens instantly, and effortlessly. It doesn’t matter whether you’re tired, stressed, or distracted. Your emotional empathy kicks in.
If you rely solely on cognitive empathy, then things can go wrong. You may be tired, have things on your mind, or be distracted in some way. And because your emotional empathy isn’t there to automatically kick in, it’s easy to neglect the other person’s feelings.
For example, a narcissist may want a favour from you. But when they contact you, you tell them about something upsetting that happened earlier. Although they cognitively understand you’re hurt, the narcissist doesn’t feel your pain. And because they’re so focussed on what they need, they forget your pain and insensitively ask for the favour.
Façade
As you’re probably aware, narcissists operate most of the time under their “nice” façade. Especially when around people they want to impress.
The narcissist pretends to be kind, caring, and whatever qualities they think they need. This is to impress, and to fit in. And some narcissists are extremely talented at faking emotional empathy. They’ve spent a life time doing it.
Narcissists can appear highly empathetic in some settings. And highly narcissistic in others.
For example they may be the nicest person at work, if they want to impress their colleagues. But a complete tyrant at home.
So whilst they appear to switch between having empathy and narcissism, this isn’t the case. They NEVER have emotional empathy. They fake emotional empathy when they’re on their best behaviour, and when they want to impress. And when they want to let their hair down, the narcissistic behaviours come out.
Faking Emotional Empathy
Narcissists spend their lives faking who they are to fit in. Ultimately they want to be loved and adored. And that means being on the right side of some people.
Many narcissists become experts at faking emotional empathy. They use their cognitive empathy to understand what emotion they should be feeling. Then their acting skills to fake that emotion.
If you watch a narcissist closely, you may see the moment they “decide” to feel something. There’s often a pause. Cognitive empathy takes time. Because a decision needs to be made about what feeling to project out. Whereas emotional empathy is instant, because it’s instinctive.
Narcissists make mistakes faking emotional empathy, especially in unusual situations. For instance, someone’s cat may have died. And the narcissist has never met this situation before. So they don’t know how they’re supposed to “feel”. So they insensitively laugh, thinking that’s the best response.
Agendas
Narcissists may also fake empathy to further their agendas. At work they may want somebodies job. So they patiently wait.
They wait for that person to slip up. Make a mistake, or do something they shouldn’t. Then pounce all over it.
The narcissist wages a war on that person for their actions. And passionately explains to anyone who listens why it was so wrong.
People may notice the narcissists over-the-top response. But admire their passion for “doing the right thing”. Not realising they’re using it for ammunition for selfish motives.
These narcissists are often wrongly attributed with having high levels of emotional empathy. Because they always seem to have a moral fight on their hands. But the truth is they just want a fight. And use the pretence of emotional empathy to justify it.
Acquisition Of Empathy
Narcissists often target highly empathetic people for roles as partner and friend. And one obvious reason for this is because these people are easier for narcissists to manipulate. But there’s also another reason.
Narcissists are empty shells of people. They don’t connect with their emotions, and don’t really know who they are. To hide this, they find empathetic people to copy.
Narcissists take mannerisms and phrases that display emotional empathy, and use them as their own. Making their empathetic act even more convincing.
We Often Assume They Have Empathy
It’s natural to assume that others think similar to ourselves. And it’s easy to attribute some of the narcissists behaviours to emotional empathy.
For instance, a narcissist husband may take his wife to his bosses dinner party. Where he treats his wife kindly and compassionately. Making sure she feels at ease in a room full of strangers.
It’s easy for her to joyously conclude that he cares. But this isn’t the case.
Really he wanted to impress his boss. And show him what a wonderful caring and compassionate person he is. He knows his boss likes that type of thing. So whilst he appears to be behaving empathetically, it was actually for his own benefit.
In another example, someone may insult the narcissists partner. And the narcissist leaps to their defence, in what appears like an act of emotional empathy. What a hero! They must care right?!
Really the narcissist took the insult as an insult to themselves. “How dare you insult MY Partner”. And reacted in self defence, rather than in empathy for their partners feelings. Just like if someone insults your car. You’re not angry because you feel for your car. You’re angry because it’s an indirect insult to you.
In many situations we wrongly assume the narcissist has emotional empathy. Because their actions are sometimes the same. But hidden underneath, their motives are different.
Narcissistic People
Some people have high levels of narcissism, but not enough to be diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. These people display flashes of both narcissism and empathy, depending on the circumstances.
If a narcissistic person becomes involved in a conflict, they may display high levels of narcissism during the row. And respond in an over-the-top and cold way. But later calm down and see the err of their ways when their empathy kicks back in. And offer a genuine apology for their behaviour.
These people may behave like narcissists when triggered by stressful situations. Then return to empathetic behaviours when all’s well.
Some people who are thought of as narcissists may actually be narcissistic. And not have the full disorder. Which explains why they switch between empathy and narcissism. Narcissistic people do have emotional empathy. But not in all situations.
Final Thoughts
If someone switches between narcissistic and emotionally empathetic behaviours then it’s either a narcissist faking empathy. Or someone who’s narcissistic, switching between the two. Alternatively it could be us, wrongly assuming their behaviours show empathy.
Narcissists have cognitive empathy, but no emotional empathy. So they use cognitive empathy to fake emotional empathy. And some are so skilled, they fool close family members for years. Particularly when they take character traits from empathetic people they’re close to.
People fooled by their façade see a nice empathetic person suddenly change into a narcissistic person. Like Jekyll and Hyde. And wonder what happened. They don’t realise this is the narcissists true self. And their mask has slipped.
Just remember, a genuine narcissist doesn’t have emotional empathy. All their actions are self serving. Even when they’re apparently being empathetic and kind. When a narcissist shows emotional empathy, it’s always worth questioning their motives.
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