Many people, myself included, keep attracting narcissists. And when one narcissist relationship ends, another begins. And throughout their life they endure several narcissist relationships.
Other people go their whole life without ever dating a narcissist. And seem to attract kind empathic partners. What’s going on? Why do some people repeatedly date narcissists, whereas other don’t?
In this article I’ll discuss several reasons why you might keep dating narcissists. Try to be as honest with yourself as you can. Because once you find the reason or reasons, you can make the necessary changes. And stop the rot.
Here’s several reasons why you might keep dating narcissists…
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You Have Low Self Esteem
If you have low self esteem, then you’re a narcissists dream. Because they can use this to control you.
At the beginning of a relationship, narcissists love bomb to draw the other person in. This is where they offer generous helpings of compliments, praise, and flattery.
They may tell you how you’re the most beautiful person on earth. How you’re soul mates. And how they couldn’t live without you. All in the first few weeks.
This is music to most peoples ears. But to someone with low self esteem, it’s even more than that.
They believe they’ve finally found the only person in the world who actually appreciates them. And because they’ve got low self esteem, they don’t think anyone else will ever feel the same. So they’ve found their golden goose. And mustn’t let go – no matter what.
This means that red flags are brushed under the carpet. Snide comments are explained away. And abusive behaviours are excused. Because people with low self esteem desperately want to keep hold of their “one shot” at happiness.
If this applies to you, then remember this. There’s over 8 billion people on earth. Do you really think that only one person will like you? Also, what are the odds that you’ve happened to have found this one person? (Hint – it’s one in 8 billion!).
There’s lots of people in the world for everyone. And besides which, you’re life is better single than with a narcissist. So never compromise.
Narcissistic Behaviour Seems Normal To You
If you were raised by a narcissist parent, or have been around many narcissists, then their behaviours may seem normal to you.
Whereas others feel bad vibes and run for cover, you don’t see the problem. And you stick around, allowing them into your life.
And because you’re used to narcissistic behaviour, you don’t see why others give them such a wide birth. In fact, you probably feel sorry for them. And consider them “misunderstood”. But ask yourself this – how likely is it that everyone is wrong about them, and you are right?
You Believe Your Needs Don’t Matter
If you’ve been raised by a narcissist, or had narcissist relationships, then it’s likely that you believe your needs are unimportant.
Narcissists invest time and energy into convincing people that their needs don’t matter. They do this so you focus all your energy on them. Instead of yourself.
This belief sticks around long after the narcissist is gone. And another narcissist smells this, and is happy to take over… and take advantage.
They re-enforce your belief that you don’t matter. Making you a magnet for other narcissists in the future.
Just remember that you’re number one priority is you. You are responsible for your health and happiness. Just like everyone else is. So don’t feel bad for prioritising yourself. Because your needs are just as important as everyone else’s. In fact to you, they’re more important.
You See The Good In Everyone
We’re taught to see the good in everyone. And it’s a lovely ethos, because there IS some good in everyone. But that’s also the problem…
From Adolf Hitler to the most hardened criminal, there’s some good in all of them. But that doesn’t mean you should date them!
Many people feel bad for seeing the flaws in others. So they push them out their mind, and focus on their good points. But that means they miss the whole picture.
Accept that some people are selfish, manipulative, and cruel. And some people will bring you more pain than pleasure.
You Want To Fix People
Some people get ensnared by narcissists because they want to fix people. And help them solve their problems. And narcissists love fixers. Not because they want fixing. But because they know they can lead them on a fools errand.
Narcissists happily dangle the carrot of how they could be. But only if you love them more. And do more for them. Then they sit back and reap the rewards.
Sticking with a narcissist because of their potential, or anyone for that matter, is a dangerous game to play. In the case of narcissists, they have no intention of changing. They just want to string you along, and keep you giving.
Not only this, you can’t guarantee that someone will change. And certainly not in a favourable way. All you can guarantee is how they are now. And if they’re not right now, who’s to say they ever will be?
It’s not your job to fix others. They must take responsibility for themselves. If they have a problem, then it’s up to them to work on it. Only they can do this. You can’t do it for them.
You’re A People Pleaser
Narcissists flock to people pleasers like flies round…you know what. Because a people pleaser is EXACTLY what they’re looking for.
People pleasers think of others before themselves. And will almost always let the other person get their way. Because they just want other people to be happy.
Narcissists love taking advantage of this generosity. And they know there’s little pressure to reciprocate. So they enjoy a very one-sided dynamic, where you give and they take.
Whilst it’s good to be giving, you shouldn’t give all the time. And anyone expecting you to do this, isn’t worth their salt.
You Don’t Like Being Single
Some people hate being single. And as soon as they’re out of one relationship, they desperately look for another.
This rush causes them to make bad choices. And narcissists encourage this.
If a narcissist senses someone’s desperate for a relationship, then it’s game on. You’re a prime candidate.
They know their love bombing will work a charm. And they can rush you through the stages of the relationship to lock you in. They also know they can dominate the relationship. Because they can threaten to leave if they don’t get their way.
Desperation for a relationship is like a beacon to narcissists, screaming “Vacancies – Narcissists Apply!”.
So if you’ve come out of a narcissist relationship, stay single for a while. And learn to thrive as a single person. Then you’ll never need anyone.
You Believe You Don’t Deserve Better
Some people subconsciously go for toxic relationships because they feel they don’t deserve better. They may not think this consciously in words. But they do subconsciously. And this affects their actions.
They may ignore red flags and gut feelings. Put up with them turning up late. Cancelling plans last minute. Etc.
Narcissists test their partners early in the relationship. And see what they can get away with. And if they sense you don’t believe you deserve good treatment, then they’re happy to oblige.
Narcissists Cycle Of Drama
If you’ve been in long relationships with narcissists, then you’re probably accustomed to the drama. The arguments and fights. And the highs and lows.
This causes some people to find normal non-toxic relationships boring. Because they’re so used to the roller-coaster of emotions that narcissists bring.
Without realising it, they shun people who could give them a genuine loving relationship. And home in on toxic narcissists. Because their life experiences have moulded them this way.
Luckily it doesn’t take long to escape this cycle of drama. It just takes a few weeks of non contact with narcissists to detox yourself. Which is another reason why it’s good to stay single for a while after a narcissist relationship.
Final Thoughts
Narcissists don’t want equal relationships. They want to dominate and control. And take more than they give. In a nutshell, they want someone to use.
Narcissists are good at sizing people up, and learning what they’ll put up with. So if you give off vibes that you’re a compliant giver, then sadly narcissists will be drawn towards you.
Like I said earlier, once you’re out of a narcissist relationship, stay single for a while. Find out what YOU want from life. And create some boundaries of things you won’t accept in relationships.
When you do date, take things slowly. Narcissists are notorious for rushing through the stages of a relationship, so they can tie you down. So if someone repeatedly pushes you faster than you’re willing to go, then it’s a red flag. And it’s likely they don’t respect your needs.
Learn the signs that indicate someone’s a narcissist. And you’ll be much less likely to date one. And even if you do, you’re more likely to get out, before it’s too late.
Please CLICK HERE For The Early Warning Signs Someone’s A Narcissist
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Early Signs Someone’s A Narcissist
As far as I know, I’ve never dated a narcissist and hope I never will! Ditto narcissus friends. But I’ve encountered quite a few toxic characters in my time, a few of them probably narcissists. They just show up in my life without my consent, such as in the workplace. I generally try to distance myself from them which isn’t always easy.
It looks as though I’ve been doing well so far but I’ll check out the list and see if I’m narcissist-proof.
Low Self Esteem:
My self-esteem is fair to middling. Not low…but not great either. Mediocre. But I’ve fought to achieve that level and will continue to fight to maintain it.
Narcissistic Behaviour Seems Normal To You:
Well…my mother liked to manipulate others in the family with The Silent Treatment. If you’d asked her, she would have said that she is definitely NOT a narcissist. When I reached my teens, I was considered to be big enough to get The Silent Treatment but decided that it was better than listening to her say how pathetic I was. But seeing how my other relations reacted to The Silent Treatment showed that it was definitely not okay. And I can certainly feel bad vibes emanating from someone who has appears super-nice or charismatic. The big clue is when all of the hairs on the back of my neck stand up straight.
You Believe Your Needs Don’t Matter:
I believe that some people WANT to make believe that my needs don’t matter. But it’s ridiculously easy to make me happy. Just leave me alone with my dog and my books and my computer and I’m content. I’m not hurting anyone…or am I? The narcissist would say I’m selfish, because I’m not giving them any supply. Too bad, so sad insert {sarcastic emoji}.
You See The Good In Everyone:
Every person has good and bad to some degree. Some have more bad than good, and vice versa but some are in between. I think that most people have more bad than good and thus, I generally assess their worst traits and ponder if I could comfortably tolerate them. If not, I’ll distance myself from them.
You Want To Fix People:
I used to. Never again. It took me several headaches while I listened to her problems including her older and controlling ex-partner who she’d broken up with…ten years ago. And her favorite singer, Tim Freeman. And astrology…her astrology profile and his. It all went back to her ex. I became bored. Then plain uncomfortable, because I desperately needed to use the bathroom. I had to say, “J____”, I have to hang up right now. I need to use the bathroom,” several times and by that time, I felt that my bladder was about to explode. Then my partner came over with a glass of water and some paracetamol and to tell me that I’d been on the phone for six hours. As I said, never again!
You’re A People Pleaser
Only occasionally. For the rare person who pleases me just by being their awesome selves. I don’t like my job but will won’t stay late or ask for any extra tasks. Again, it was different when I was in a job I enjoyed but was automated. Then I lived, breathed and even dreamed about my job! But there is one individual who would definitely say I’m a Pleaser…a Dog Pleaser. It’s very easy to please a sweet-natured Bull Arab!
You Don’t Like Being Single:
I’ve always wanted to live alone but, instead, I met my partner and moved in with him when I was 26. The statistics state that women mostly outlive men and my partner smokes like a chimney. He started when he was 13 so his lungs are probably as black as the ace of spades. I’d miss him like crazy for a few years but gradually, after the mourning period, I wouldn’t want another relationship. Just me and my dogs!
You Believe You Don’t Deserve Better:
I’d be happier on my own than having to put up with people who are abusive and toxic. Say no more.
Cycle Of Drama
I get my fill of drama when I get an idea for a story, creating a cast of characters and then putting them through the wringer. If they were real people, I’m sure they’d tell me that I’m the narcissist!
It sounds like you’ll be OK Trisha!