A lot written about narcissists relates to romantic relationships. So for a change, I thought Iโd write about narcissists in friendships. And how narcissists treat their friends.
Thereโs obviously some cross over with how narcissists treat romantic partners. But hereโs the main things that stand out to me with narcissist friends. Feel free to add what youโve observed, in the comments at the end of this article.
Please Check Out This Short Video To Aid Your Understandingโฆ
Narcissists Want You To Tag Along
Narcissists expect their friends to accompany them wherever they want to go. It could be a concert for an artist only they like, for example.
They donโt care about your interests. Or whether you have a good time. Theyโre too focussed on what they want.
Some narcissists โinviteโ you in a way that makes it difficult to say no. Some will do a โfavourโ first, to make you feel obliged. Others are more pushy, and bully their way to agreement. Others use emotional blackmail.
You may agree, out of kindness. Thatโs what friends do, right? But when you want the favour returned, donโt hold your breath!
Narcissists Assume You Like What They Like
Many narcissists assume their friends like the same things they do. They can be pretty black and white about likes and dislikes. Some consider everything they like is โgoodโ, and therefore everybody else should like it.
They donโt understand how someone can not like something they like. And may act insulted, or accuse you of having no taste.
I remember once talking to a narcissist who said she had good taste in music. I explained to her that everybody thinks they have good taste in music. Because everybody likes what they like. She kept repeating, โNo, but the music I like is goodโ. Try as I might, I could not get across to her that EVERYBODY thinks the music they like is good!
Narcissists Donโt respect Your Time
After a while of being friends with a narcissist, you sense they donโt respect your time. And they do things when itโs convenient for them, not you.
For example they might visit round dinner time, even though youโve a family to feed. Or phone you late at night, when they know youโve work in the morning. Youโre barely a consideration in their calculations.
Narcissists are often late. So often itโs expected. But keep them waiting, and thereโs hell to pay!
Narcissists Ignore Your Problems
You might listen to their problems day in, day out. But as soon as you have a problem, they donโt want to know.
They may glaze over, clearly not listening. Complain you need to โpull yourself togetherโ. Change the subject, (usually back to them). Or make light of it, then proceed to tell you about their โrealโ problems.
Some narcissists get angry if you express problems. Theyโre frustrated youโre wasting their valuable time. And not putting enough focus on their needs. How dare you!
Narcissists find it difficult to understand youโre a living breathing person, with problems of your own. Theyโre the only ones allowed to have problems.
Expect You To Anticipate When They Need Help
Some narcissists get annoyed if you havenโt anticipated their problems, and helped them. They expect you to have an almost telepathic insight into their world.
For example, you should have known it was the 12th anniversary of their grandmothers death. And you should have called them to comfort them. Or you should have noticed they had financial problems, and offered to lend them money.
Narcissists think everybody thinks about them as much as they do. Theyโre oblivious that people have their own affairs to focus on. And also oblivious to the hypocrisy of them not anticipating anyone elseโs needs.
Some narcissists place unrealistically high demands on what you should do for them. Leaving you walking on egg shells, worried you havenโt been a good enough friend.
Borrow Money
Many narcissists are poor with their finances. Often asking to borrow money. Some are better at repaying than others.
After a while, they rely on you. And an almost unspoken arrangement is made, where you feel responsible for their finances.
Narcissists may use sob stories to guilt you into lending them cash. Then days later, splurge on something frivolous. Leaving you questioning whether they really needed help.
Make Your Life Revolve Around Them
Narcissists find ways to make your life revolve around them. Sometimes they borrow money or items, so you have to contact them to get them back. Then as soon as itโs returned, thereโs something else they โneedโ to borrow.
Itโs a power game that keeps you in their pocket. Like an insurance policy to ensure you get in touch with them. Because if you want the money or items back, then you must contact them.
Thereโs many other ways narcissists make your life revolve around them. They might suggest โgoing halvesโ on something. Or regularly call round to your house uninvited, so you find it difficult to make other plans. Or act funny if you do something without them.
I was twice asked if I would cook EVERY DAY for a narcissist friend if she gave me money for food. Because I was cooking for myself anyway. That would have meant contacting her every day to drop it off. Plus coordinating times, what she liked etc. I wouldnโt have had a life if Iโd have agreed!
Possessive
Narcissists can be possessive with friends. And get jealous when you spend time with others. Even though THEY might have other friends. Thereโs often this feeling you should be there for them whenever they need you. No matter what.
Narcissists see those close to them as a commodity. And their purpose is to be there when they need them. Narcissists often forget that friends are individuals with their own life. And sometimes want to do things on their own, or with different people.
Narcissists Compartmentalise Their Friends
Some narcissists compartmentalise their friends. By this I mean they have different friends for different purposes.
They might have a friend whoโs there to listen to their problems. Another friend whoโs there for nights out. And another for advice.
Narcissists often assigns roles to friends. Which works fine if youโre happy with your role. But sometimes they try and fit a square peg into a round hole. And expect a friend to be someone theyโre not.
Only Want To Hang Out When Theyโre Bored
Narcissist friends donโt usually make time to hang out with friends. They only want to hang out when theyโre bored, or want someone to tag along to their events. Narcissists donโt put themselves out simply to spend time with you.
Narcissists HATE being alone. So their requests to hang out may seem like they want to spend quality time with you. And of course this is what they say. But really youโre a body providing attention. And it can sometimes feel this way.
They might for example invite you over, then spend most of the evening ignoring you. Looking at their phone, watching TV, or whatever. They wanted to see you so badly, and now youโre there, they donโt seem to care.
This is because narcissists NEED attention. They hate being alone. But equally, they hate being vulnerable, and showing they need people. So they might pester for attention, then act indifferently once they get it.
In the past, Iโve had complaints for interrupting the TV with too much talking, after being invited round. Why invite me round if you want to watch TV in peace?!
Expect You To Cancel EVERYTHING
Iโve been encouraged to cancel gigs when I was a paid musician. Cancel dates with new love interests. And ignore deadlines when studying. All because the narcissist was at a loose end and wanted to hang out.
They didnโt care how cancelling these things would affect me. (Of course I said no!) Which was disappointing, to say the least. Their need for attention superseded anything I had planned.
The Closer You Get, The Worse They Treat You
Just like in romantic relationships, the closer you get to a narcissist, then worse they treat you. Once they feel you like them, they no longer feel the need to impress you. So they drop the nice act.
Sometimes itโs a good idea to keep them at arms length. So they donโt feel too close to you. Then you can keep them on their toes, and get the best out of them.
But Itโs Not All Bad!
Itโs not all bad being friends with a narcissist. They often make things happen, because theyโre easily bored. And some are good at organising things, even if itโs for selfish reasons.
Narcissists can be fun, charismatic, and charming. And if they want to impress, you can have a great time. Theyโre often good at bringing people together, as they like as much attention as possible.
Narcissists pushy nature also has itโs positives. It can encourage you to try new things you wouldnโt normally try. Leading you to discover new hobbies and new interests. And at the very least, you gain new experiences.
Thereโs rarely a dull moment around a narcissist friend. Which can be both a blessing, and a curse!
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Eventually the Narcissists toxicity comes out no matter how good you are to them. They are a problem. They have a problem for every solution. They need to be in control. Yes, you get to tag along as a follower, but donโt dare break rule #1 โ Outshine the Master.
โa blessing and a curseโ are you serious?? This is absolutely stunningly ignorant of the damage narcissists can do in peopleโs lives , this article is deeply offensive to those whose lives have been ruined, youโre basically saying there is no problem with their behaviour so long as you yourself get something out of them?? Isnโt that a narcissistic approach for Godโs sake? Terrible article, a piece of fluff
No Veronica, Iโm not saying thereโs no problem with their behaviour. Iโve mentioned MANY problems with their behaviour in this article!
I agree I was terrorize by the person I was married to he didnโt have any friends and the ones that I had he chased away along with my family totally isolating me from anyone. Finally moving 3 times and after 5 years so he doesnโt find me he is finally filing for divorce the marriage only lasted 6 months. A friend saved me from that disaster I honestly believe she saved my life. Anonymous
Lucky you got away!
Wait. Iโm sorryโฆ But where are you reading these things you mention? The very first paragraph says because so much is written regarding narcissism and romantic relationships, the author is looking at and addressing a different angle of the narcissist, which is how they treat their friends. Personally, Iโve been terrorized and ruined by one of the narcissists in my life, my romantic partner. I was desperate, homeless, lost my job, in serious debt, isolated, shunned, gossiped about, and at my witsโ end to the point that I had started doing things to harm myself. It scared me because I had never done anything like that before, but I was driven to that point. I finally left our 5 year relationship and was able resist all the antics and tricks used to lure me back into it. We all have the experiences and stories of terror and ruin at the hands of our narcissists. So, I am one whose life has been ruined, and I am not at all offended by this article. In fact, it has helped me and given me insight into the behaviors of the other narcissist in my life, a close friend.
At this point, I have read the article several times, and nowhere in this article does the author suggest or imply that there is no problem with the behavior of narcissists so long as you can get something out of them. Nowhere. He very clearly states and breaks down 12 different things that are problems with the behaviors of narcissists in relation to their friendships. Even in the final section, the author does not imply there is nothing wrong with their behaviors. โThey often make things happen, because theyโre easily boredโฆeven if itโs for selfish reasons.โ This is true from my experiences with both my romantic partner and close friend. โNarcisissts can be fun, charismatic, and charming.โ Also true, which is how they lure us in, in the first place. โNarcissists pushy nature also has itโs positives. It can encourage you to try new things you wouldnโt normally try.โ This is also true of my experiences, and all these things I would consider positive things.
The author is not generalizing them to say this happens because the narcissists are good natured or we should manipulate and intentionally get something out of the narcissists to; he is saying these things can happen, even though the motivation behind them are selfishness and self-absorption on the part of the narcissists. Itโs like one of those old sayings my grandmother used to say all the time: What was meant for evil, God uses for good. So, even though they constantly did / do evil things to us, and around us, and about us, sometimes positive things happen to come from them. This does not diminish or downplay their evil behaviors of abuse, lies, deceit, manipulation, cheating, and disregard for everything in life except for themselves, and it does not it mean we forgive and forget the terror and ruin they caused. The author is just shining light on a different perspective, which I find in my own experiences to be true.
Although I, or others, might have chosen a different way to conclude this article, there is still no implication of what you inferred. And I think it is very unfair to the author to insist that he is suggesting and implying something which he clearly is not. It is also unfair to others like me, who have also been terrorized and ruined, who gained insight and tools to combat the antics of our narcissist friends from this article. This is simply a different perspectiveโlooking at a different side of the same coin.
This is totally a lot of former โfriendsโ I used to have.
Iโve had friends throughout the years that were like this and had found myself in an intimate relationship with a narc. They are awful but there are varying degrees of it. I appreciate the humor at the end because in the end no matter how much THEY โruinedโ your lifeโ- it always comes back to you letting them. So no matter how crabby anyone gets about how terrible and what kind of damage narcs doโ you need to realize your part in it and learn and move on! Pick up the pieces and be positive and start living again. I had a narc obliterate my social circle as well as my finances but Iโve honestly never been happier than knowing what I know nowโ and thatโs my own value
Might as well be as positive as you can be Jes!