Whether it’s friendship or romantic relationships, narcissists are transactional. And there’s ALWAYS something to be gained.

Whilst we all enjoy certain benefits of knowing someone, it’s not usually the “be all and end all”. We usually like this person, and WANT to spend time with them.

Narcissists are more superficial. They may marry someone they don’t love. And suck up to friends they don’t really like, if it gets them what they want.

Which begs the questions, what do narcissists want? What do narcissists use you for?

Narcissists differ slightly with what they want. But there’s many common denominators. Here’s a run down of the main things narcissists use people for.

Please Check Out This Short Video To Aid Your Understanding…

Attention

Narcissists need copious amounts of attention. So they often use people to provide it. And it’s not always a bad thing, except when you don’t want to give it.

Some narcissists play tricks, pester, and guilt trip their way into spending time with people. They don’t care whether you’re busy, tired, or want some lone time.

Narcissists see people as commodities to be used. So if they want attention, they expect you to drop everything and provide it.

Narcissists have little empathy and are self entitled. So they don’t care whether this puts you out. Or if you don’t want to spend time with them. They want what they want, and that’s it.

This can leave you feeling suffocated by their constant demands. And exhausted spending time with them, when you want to relax.

Favours

Most narcissists lead chaotic lives. And may have trouble with their finances, the state of their home, enemies, fallouts, and many other issues.

Narcissists use people to make up for their deficiencies. They might regularly borrow money, ask for help cleaning their house, etc.

Some narcissists always seem to need something. And sometimes they fabricate their needs to gain attention. They might for example ask to borrow your phone charger, even though they don’t need it. Then you have to spend time with them to give it them. And time with them when you want it back.

Narcissists sometimes borrow money to use as security. They know that if they owe you, then you MUST spend time with them if you want it back.

If you’re in a romantic relationship with a narcissist and living with them, then expect an even rougher ride. They may gradually push ALL their responsibilities onto you. And after a while you’re doing almost everything for them.

Narcissists feel they’re too important to tackle the mundane tasks in life. So they use others to get these things done. In their mind, why have a dog and bark yourself?!

Sex

Narcissists often use people for sex. Whether it’s their partners, friends with benefits, or extra marital affairs.

Narcissists aren’t usually very giving in the bedroom. Unless they want you to think they’re an amazing lover. Like the next Rudolph Valentino. But even then, it’s still about them. And you may even catch them admiring themselves in the mirror during the act!

Whilst some narcissists enjoy sex, not all do. But even when they don’t, they may still use people for sex.

Narcissists view sex differently from neuro-typicals. They don’t see it as mutual attraction and mutual pleasure. They see it as that other person worshipping them. Giving them a much welcomed ego boost. And in their mind it also affirms their power, control, and dominance.

Some narcissists get off from persuading their partners to perform acts they wouldn’t normally do. Showing their lack of regard for their partner. And their need to control and dominate.

Your Reputation

For obvious reasons, narcissists often have sullied reputations. So they may use you for yours.

If you’re a good person, then the narcissist knows they’ll be associated with your goodness, if they’re seen with you. If you’re successful, then you help them appear more successful. If you walked into a restaurant with Richard Branson, most people will assume you’re also a high flyer.

The narcissist may also persuade you to ask favours for them. Because they know you’re in good standing with people. In essence, leeching off your reputation.

Tag Along With Them

Narcissists often use people to tag along with them, to facilitate doing things THEY want to do. They don’t care whether you want to do these things. They just need a dummy to drag around with them.

They may pester you to go fishing with them, even though it’s not your thing. Or go on a drinking binge, even though you only like the odd tipple.

And like a good friend or partner, you do it for them. But when it comes to them facilitating you, forget it. They’re not interested. It’s a one way street.

To Feel Powerful

Narcissists often befriend easy going people, who go with the flow. And use this to bolster their delusions of superiority.

Narcissists kid themselves that they’re large and in charge. And convince themselves they’re powerful and superior. Even if you happily concede “power”, and go along with their suggestions.

Narcissists often select people they feel they can dominate. Just to create the illusion to themselves and others that they’re powerful superior beings.

Character Traits

Narcissists are blank canvasses when it comes to their personalities. So they procure character traits from other people.

Narcissists like to have people around who have the character traits they want. Then they can watch, learn, and imitate.

Narcissists literally steal your character traits. And you might catch them using certain words, phrases, or mannerisms that are unique to you. Some even go as far as copying your dress sense.

Your Home

Narcissists are notorious boundary crossers. And this applies to your possessions, and even your home. In their mind, what’s yours is theirs.

Some set up camp, and stay for days on end. Even when they weren’t invited. And make it almost impossible to ask them to leave without being rude to them.

They may use your home to throw parties and invite people over. Or as a safe space to drink or take drugs, if they can’t do so at their home.

Narcissists love having somewhere to go when their mood fancies. So don’t be surprised if they turn up announced. And expect you to drop everything.

Flying Monkeys

Narcissists like to use people as “flying monkeys”. These people do their dirty work for them, either intentionally or non intentionally.

A narcissist may smear someone. Then expect you to join in antagonising them. Even though they haven’t done anything wrong. They hope to paint them black to you. Then you treat them with hostility.

The narcissist knows that if they get others to do their dirty work for them, they win in almost every way. They expend less effort. And keep their hands clean.

Final Thoughts

Narcissists are well aware of the benefits every relationship brings them. They often assign particular roles to different people in their life.

They may have one friend who’s good for a loan. Another who’s good at giving them attention. Another for advice.

The narcissist expects people to fulfil their roles. Even though no agreements have been made. And this can of course lead to problems. People don’t fit so neatly into their boxes. And seemingly unbeknown to the narcissist, they have free will.

To a narcissist, people are commodities to be used. Which is why they’re usually keen to have them around. If you’re exploitative like a narcissist, then there’s something to be gained from everyone. But it only works one way.

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