This is a guest post from Chrissy Snow…
There are many mind games you will go through on the receiving end of a narcissists objective to control and suck you dry. One of the most insidious ones I have noted is what I refer to as the CONTROL CHALLENGE.
For me it started with small things like making dinner while we were together. Things would start off ( they do most of the time) happily as we would take out a steak and veggies to prep the meal, and I might be “ rude enough” ( yes the narc translates a suggestion as an insult) to suggest we broil the broccoli instead of spray it and put it in the oven.
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The mood would suddenly shift….. “ Ya know what?!! YOU DO IT THEN!” Pans dropped and he would leave the kitchen area with me stunned and in the position to chase after them, Narcs love to stonewall and walk away, because most of the time they have already figured out their empath partner will want to fix the issue and ask what’s wrong. Although many times it has nothing to do with them.
I would find him outside on the deck, many times having a smoke ( narcs will hone in on what hurts their empath and use it as a tool to degrade, devalue, demoralize or just be plain spiteful). “Come on, don’t be that way, Come back in and lets finish cooking.” “Go ahead, let me know when it’s ready and then meet me downstairs with my plate.”
Feeling like a worthless less than valued person who is easily dismissed, sometimes I would just make a plate for myself, or sometimes I would acquiesce so as not to be inflicted with more emotional abusive tactics.
As time went on he would incorporate this tactic into other events. If we were playing a game and he didn’t like something I said he would challenge me to fix the game when I didn’t know what or how he wanted me to and he would then leave the area and I would be alone. Two components, devaluing and intimidating coupled with stonewalling.
This “YOU DO IT” challenge can translate into other forms such as “YOU FIX IT”, “YOU GET IT”, “I DON’T CARE”, “I DON’T WANT TO GO ANYMORE”.
Any plan or situation I was in with him that would be giving me some sense of joy could at any moment be derailed by this mood shift and action. The words had one severe affect on me. They completely rattled my anxiety to a new level.
I became afraid that if I didn’t comply or couldn’t figure out how to make the situation better then I may face a rage. Of course most if not all of the time what a narc will do is just lead this up to the stonewall, where they leave you sitting alone while they have decided to vacate the relationship for the moment, the hour, the day, whatever works for them.
In my case, I was told “ I’m taking a healthy timeout.” The problem is a timeout is used to recalibrate one’s mood, not to leave the other party without any resolve, consolation and most of all compassion. Narcs won’t follow through on promises. They are used to either confuse the victim or pacify them for the moment.
Future faking is a sinister tool to give victims a sense of hope and intermittent reinforcement, while they keep enjoying their supply, and not doing any real work to maintain it because after all, that’s all they want out of this.
I think the idea of telling a trauma bonded dependent to just go NO CONTACT is ridiculous. A trauma bonded partner is like a full blown addict. Going no contact is so hard it can often leave the victim suicidal.
My advice is to talk to other people who can understand, including trauma therapists, reading materials on trauma bonding, and watch who you share with. Not everyone is kind, and many do not understand. So you may be met with disgust, frustration, annoyance or confusion when you explain your relationship.
Most of all be kind to you. There is a reason why you have gotten into this relationship, and most of the time it stems from trauma in early childhood. If and when you can give yourself self care, grace and love. Even at the darkest hour, there is light.
By Chrissy Snow
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