In this article, I want to turn my attention to male victims of narcissistic abuse. As I believe there are MANY that go unreported. And more than this, many are NEVER discussed with anybody. I know this from personal experience!
When they’re not reported or even discussed, there’s a greater and longer lasting psychological impact. That’s why it’s important to encourage a culture of openness.
During my 12 year relationship with a narcissist, I had the usual psychological abuses. Such as flirting with others in front of me. Blaming me for things she knew weren’t my fault. Put downs. Gaslighting. And two affairs (that I know of ).
Plus physical abuses. I had a glass lamp swung at my head whilst it was switched on. Punched in the face many times. My guitar smashed in front of me. And one time she pulled a knife out at me, but slashed her own wrist, rather than attack me. I think it was a close call!
Yet strangely I didn’t consider myself a victim of abuse. And I never mentioned any of these incidences to ANYONE, ever. Why was this?
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Guys Aren’t Immune To Abuse!
It just didn’t cross my mind that something was wrong. I put these things down to normal relationship fights. But when I think back, I did little to provoke such massive violent reactions. And I certainly didn’t deserve to be treated like this.
Just because you’re male, you’re not immune to abuse. Either physical or mental.
If you’re a physically stronger guy, it doesn’t help with emotional abuse. In some ways it makes things worse. Most people don’t take it as seriously when a guy complains about emotional abuse from a female.
If you’re a guy that won’t hit a woman, it doesn’t help much with physical abuse. I agree there may be less fear and intimidation. But again, how seriously would friends and family take it when told a male is being physically abused by a female?
Being a guy CAN hinder the physical side of things. If you won’t hit a woman, it can be a disadvantage. The woman knows they can punch, kick, and do what they want, without fear of reprisal.
Don’t Be Ashamed
Lots of guys are ashamed to talk about being mentally or physically abused by women. How much sympathy would they get from their guy friends? How much from their female friends?
These things are largely kept under wraps. And the less they’re talked about, the less men are prepared to talk about it. Who wants to be the only one to come forward?
There becomes a cycle where it’s hidden away. No one prepared to make the first move. The less people that talk about it, the less others will. But talking DOES help.
Narcissist women CAN abuse men mentally. And they CAN abuse men physically. And it IS damaging.
I agree that men often have the ace up their sleeve, knowing they can fight back if they really have to. And this probably reduces fear in some instances. But it’s still abuse. And it still shouldn’t be tolerated.
Talk To Someone
I urge guys to speak out. Don’t be ashamed. It’s not you who’s at fault. If someone is abusing you, mentally or physically, it’s THEM at fault. Regardless of gender. And no one should have to put up with it.
Talking helps. Women know this. And they’ve known this for years. But men are starting to cotton on.
From talking to many victims of narcissistic abuse, it appears men ARE starting to open up about female abuse. And the more men that talk, the more will follow suit. It becomes “normalised”. And others start seeing it as a real problem. And will seek help.
Statistics
In the United States, the National Violence Against Women Survey in 2000, surveyed 16,000 people (8,000 men and 8,000 women). They found that 7.4% of men reported physical assault by a current or former spouse, cohabiting partner, boyfriend/girlfriend, or date, during their lifetime.
That shows there’s a lot of abuse aimed at males. And without seeking therapy, or at least talking to someone, the damage isn’t mitigated.
It’s only right that as much abuse as possible is out in the open. Freely discussed to make sense out of it. That way people can better heal and move on.
Final Thoughts
Guys need to put their pride to one side and get comfortable talking about their feelings. That way a more open culture can develop. I believe this is happening, but there’s still a long way to go.
A blogger friend of mine has compiled some resources to help guys who are victims of narcissistic abuse. His name is Dan McGrath, and he runs the blog “The Adventures Of Dan And Tina”. Check out his post here – “On Being A Male Victim”. There’s links to several resources to help male victims . And these are being updated as he finds more.
No one has the right to emotionally or physically hurt anyone, regardless of gender. If you feel you’re a victim, find someone to talk to, and seek help.
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I can confirm that it happens and I also didn’t realize for a long time. I just thought it’s normal issues and she’s a bit difficult. I nearly lost my mind. I loved her a lot even though I kind of knew she’s a bad person. Until one day I found information about covert narcissists and it was so point on to her. And yes, men do not talk about it as it was just a cute girl. It’s embarrassing to admit she’s been playin you and mentally abusing you. Now looking backing I cannot understand how I accepted some stuff. I lost confidence then and was in a weird limited world, this stuff really takes you down. Well it’s over now and I have my power back.
All the best!
“I just thought it’s normal issues and she’s a bit difficult.” – Pretty much sums up how I felt too Chris!
I think when you discover what narcissistic abuse is and that it happened to you, it’s a weight off your shoulders. It explains so much and you truly realize it wasn’t your fault and there was nothing you could have done to make things better.
Is this a real article or another way of ridiculing me? So what, I cry like a bitch, I whine about my abusive ex gf, ex wife. Both I believe are narcs BTW. Point being, IDGAF what you creeps think about me. Now stop fucking with me and my life!!!
It’s good that you let it out. Much better than keeping things bottled up!
Yeah. Wow. I’m painfully untangling myself from my wife of 28 years. It came to a head in winter 2019 when after staying out all night (again) I told her she needed to move out if this is the lifestyle she wants to have. Well. After she attacked me with a kitchen knife my daughter and I were able to subdue her.
But then she called the cops and told them I assaulted her. I went to jail for three days and was banned from my own house for a year.
I kick myself for thinking that her behavior all these years was the result of something other than her narcissism/pathology. Even her own lawyer asked me how I put up with her for so long. Except for my beautiful children, I grieve over the nearly 30 years I’ve wasted living with her.
Sorry to hear that. How I try and look at it is that life with them is like wearing lead boots. It’s difficult and draining. But they’ve toughened you up. So once your relationship is over, you’re free from them lead boots weighing you down. So life seems much easier after being used to them dragging you down. It helps me anyway!
I can definately relate.
I was with a Narc sociopath for 12 years. From 19 years old to around 31.
I was never good enough. I couldn’t conform to the millions of rules she seemed to have (especially after our daughter was borne). She was always right and had to win at all costs. If she didn’t get what she wanted, She was unapologetically emotionally and physically abusive, overbearing, manipulative and extremely controlling.
She also used and abused our 3 kids as leverage and weapons in her arsonel to control and manipulate me to get what she wanted (usually “more” money)
She never contributed financially to the family but would take, take and take, from anybody and everybody she could. All the while I’m working a full time job and trying to earn money on weekends at the local markets to pay the bills, but slowly spinning further down into alcohol dependancy to cope. She never had a job the entire time we were together!
After our separation in 2011, she continued to use our children to get what she wanted until I started to say “NO”. Then she started trying to emotionally and psycologically manipulate our 3 children to reject me. Thankfully, I have always loved and been there for my kids. They still love me.
Now 9.5 years on ( including 9 years of sobriety) and a hell of a lot of pain, I am pleased to say that her attempts to alienate me from my kids didn’t work.
Unfortunately I have not been able to spend as much time as I have wanted with my kids because she would continually create road blocks by sabotaging our planned time together.
I don’t speak to her anymore because my life is much more peaceful this way. She is human garbage. I hate her for what she has done. but I have gotten on with life and am content with it. I have had to constantly let go of anger, rage and desparate thoughts of revenge. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to forgive her but I am finally at peace.
My advice…. take the time to educate yourself on these destructive personality types. If you find yourself involved with one of these people, RUN FOR THE HILLS!
I agree Cameron, educating myself on narcissism was one of the best things I’ve ever done!